Cesura

Comfort.

2012-01-19T01:16:00.000+08:00

Apparently she wants Martini and refused to drink only tea. Apparently!
Who was I kidding? It is hard to let go, isn't it? So hard you lost yourself some times.

P/s; I've fight for so long, I just need to be vulnerable too. I need myself back. I need to be happy again. Everyone loves that version of me. What's so sweet about all of this? It brings flame to dust. And it hurts. So. Bad.

D's.

Muse-less.

2012-01-18T00:22:00.000+08:00

My doodle book pages are sort of left blank lately. I haven't updated for quite some time here. I don't know. I am phrase-less. Seems like I haven't got my muse yet? Or maybe I lost words? Moreover, I suck at writing happy lines. Blame the crashed soul for that. HAHA!

Hm regardless, I do update my Twitter. Sometimes it's good that it has limited words into 140 only. (Follow me @cikdeline) Hehe

Anyway, I've been keeping track with some stuffs now. Part-time job, some writings, family, friends, the constant worry that I might lose the ability to cook, reading some good books, preparing stuffs for my study trip (Jakarta for 3 weeks, need I say more? YES!) and catching up with T.V series I long crave to watch. Watching One Tree Hill the other day leads me to this.

Oh I love that show, it does wonder when it involves good music, and cute guys too. Hehe check the video, need I say more?

Till later, lovelies!

Wakey!Wakey! - Car Crash

D's.

And after all, who are we but not our own saviour no?

2012-01-12T23:41:00.000+08:00

I love Adele. I really do. I have been a fan of her since her 19 album, which Chasing Pavement was one the songs that used to keep me awake crying. You know, just because the words are nothing but the truth. She did it again last year, with that 21 album of hers. And all the songs, man need I say more? Oh yes, maybe the phrase "yang datang dari hati itu yang paling ikhlas" is underrated don't you think? Indeed she makes perfect post break up songs! But mind you, this post isn't a post break up post or me being heartbroken. It's just random and a sudden realisation I suppose?
This might sound cheesy but heck I don't mind being cheesy for a awesomely good singer. I really don't. Anyway, I've been traveling on train and bus a lot. And man, do I love those train and bus rides! The best part about it has always been where we shut ourselves off and shoved the earphones and enjoy the playlist. That was my definition of me time. Anyway, I was listening to this random playlist of mine on the way back from work in the bus.
Adele's Turning Tables suddenly being played and it hits me that, "Eh wait, this song sums it well!"

So yes. For a sucker of words, nothing beats good words in good music. Hence here;

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more
I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe
So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Under haunted skies I see you
Where love is lost your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet
This, brought me to tears, yes on the bus, with probably twenty something persons in it. And yes, it is still about a guy, but you know he's just no ordinary guy. You can figure it if you've been reading. Yes I am mad. But more than mad, I am hurt. I wish you know how much have you killed me.

D's.

Revolting angst.

2012-01-12T14:12:00.000+08:00

I wish the breadcrumbs I left while walking to being an adult were still there. I need to pick them back to see where that girl was.

Because for some, especially me, I forgot who I have left to become who I am now. It's rather important to look back, sometimes.

P/s; Marah ini, geram ini, emosi ini. Tidak ada yang dapat fahami. Tidak ada yang dapat ubati. Allah, Kau tunjukkanlah dia jalan yang benar.

P/p/s; Congratulations love. You did well. Let's wait and kill it on January 26th will you? Stevie G, not Kenny G lah!

D's.

I guess I was forced to be matured.

2012-01-08T04:38:00.000+08:00

Eh wait, I rarely write happy posts anymore. I don't in fact.
What did they say? You write best when you're sad, depressed and need a place to let go? That's right.

That's absolutely right.

But the again, I'm not a writer. I just throw feelings, and emotions. I major in that. So excuse me while I go look for the one who used to just laugh her way out.

Goodbye.

P/s; Guess I won't be long.

D's.

Darahmu, darah muda, ya dik!

2012-01-06T23:33:00.000+08:00

Darahmu darah muda,
Panas, meluap-luap dan "eager"
Darahmu darah muda,
Maka biasa untuk punya keinginan memberontak.
Darahmu darah muda,
Terkadang besarnya cita mengalahkan suara.
Darahmu darah muda,
Justeru mahu bangkit adalah mahumu.
Darahmu darah muda,
Pantang terhalang laluanmu, kau tendangkan saja.
Darahmu darah muda,
Ke langit impimu, masih di tanah kakimu.
Darahmu darah muda,
Terkadang culas, terkadang terkandas.
Darahmu darah muda,
Suaramu harus disampai walau tidak dihirau.
Darahmu darah muda,
Ke petala kau perjuangkan percayamu.
Darahmu darah muda.
Itu aku mengerti.
Aku juga masih berdarah panas, walau tidak seberapa muda.
Darahmu darah muda,
Lihat diri, perhati peribadi.
Perlu untuk mendengar pesan si tua.
Darahmu darah muda,
Jangan, jangan ikut nafsu.
Kelak bukan kucing yang kau bunuh, namun beza ideologi mampu melumpuhkanmu.
Darahmu darah muda,
Belajar dulu dari buku,
Baru nanti ke Kabinet kita tuju.
Darahmu darah muda,
Kalaupun tidak boleh menyenangkan,
Jangan pulak menyusahkan.
Darahmu darah muda,
Jangan kerna mahukan Reformasi,
Kau pecahbelahkan realiti.
Darahmu darah muda,
Ku mahu lihat perubahan harga makan di kafe universiti,
Bukan Akta mana yang perlu dimaki.
Darahmu darah muda,
Betulkan niatmu, mesti nanti perjuanganmu ke kiblat yang satu.
Darahmu darah muda,
Iya, darahmu masih lagi muda.

P/s; Aku tak tahu samada aku ada pandangan atau tidak dalam isu ini. Yang pasti aku mahu lihat di mana relevan mereka. Aku tidak mahu menghakimi. Apa yang aku tulis adalah tiba-tiba. Datang masa aku bosan.

D's.

Puisi bahagia? Tidak dalam kanunku.

2012-01-04T01:01:00.000+08:00

03012012. Happy birthday, Mama. Stay strong because I know, you're one heaven of an Iron Lady. You define perfect Mom perfectly. I love you. You do wonders, Mom. You do love. I love you so much!

P/s; Berjelaga. Masih berjelaga. Kerna sudah lama tidak berpenghuni. Aneh, bukan?

D's.

Dwell, still. Dwell a little more.

2012-01-04T00:49:00.000+08:00

Lovely-

D's.

I fell, stumbled, lost, got up, and lived. A year that was-

2012-01-03T23:49:00.003+08:00

2011. A year that was. A year that has passed 3 days ago. A year that has been too bitter for me to swallow yet too sweet for me to spill. Nonetheless. Here it goes. What have I learnt through a year that was.

1. Life is never a bed of roses and even if it does, we still have to put up with the thorns. How ironic it is that life could change drastically. From perfectly okay to being so messed up. From healthy to dying. From a dollar to a penny. And never it is impossible to happen in just a blink of an eye. A blink of an eye. I find that 2011 gave me the most exciting or rather bittersweet ride ever. To the sky I go, then to the ground I was pushed. No matter how painful it was, I have to get up and move forward. And this is the lesson I am still trying to figure. I hope I get the memo well.

2. Blood is always, always thicker than water. It flows and flows well. We can never choose which family we want to be born into but family is all we have; through thick, through thin. I thank Allah that I was born into a family with great strength and a heaven hell of a support system. It might be hideous sometimes, and we got tested beyond our limit this year alone. But in the end, we stick together. Alhamdulillah.

3. Now I know, love is never the answer for a strong, solid marriage. It is just one of the many factors. Marriage might be built on love but it needs plenty of other walls to keep it from falling apart. Responsibility and respect are one of those. And it's perfectly taught. Syukur.

4. I learnt too well that most things change; not only the weather. Feelings, friendships, and styles. We could spend 365 days together, having lunch everyday. But that does not make me know you wholly or you know me perfectly. We could talk everyday, and cry and laugh like nobody cared and have inside jokes nobody ever understands. But never that it is promised that we could stay the same for years. Some lots stay, some, diverted, while some, gone. But life, must go on. Thank you for the friendship. I can't say nothing's changed because there are things no longer the same. But, you know you could always look back and remember how good we once were. Always.

5. Lucky for me I love to observe, and I learnt that to please others is not as easy as pleasing yourself. You can satisfy and make yourself happy with just one cup of coffee or a book. But to please the rest? Hell nah. I can never do that though I tried much. Believe me, I tried hard. But it fails. Because all of us have expectations. Haven't you heard? Expectation is the root of all heartaches. (And I quote Shakespeare) So let them be!

6. It is true, no matter how corny or cliche it might be, we need a shoulder to cry on, regardless of how strong you are. Because at times, the walls do crumble, whether you like it or not. Life breaks you, that's why. I am blessed to have laughed and cried, fall and stood with the same bunch of wonderful people I love and trust most; through years; especially through 2011. Thank you for the love, advises, ideas, principles, and the laughter. You know who you are. Thank you, for letting me cry, over and over, and over again. Thank you for always say things will be alright though they don't. Thank you for the comforting talks. Thank you, for never judging, but always accepting. Thank you, for simply being there. I love yous.

7. 2011 lets me dream, and I do big on that one. Some people I know have a change of heart too. So epiphany is not so bad afterall. I know I am not in the wrong place for wanting something that is fulfilling to myself. Let's hope the new year lets me continue having faith that my dream will take me to the right place, one day. InsyaAllah. Though it is quite painful to bear the heartache of your own father, you know have to move on; because you're doing your life, not another's.

8. It took me a year to figure that I fall in love easily, only hard to fall out of it. It took me a year to figure that sometimes you have to let yourself be chased; not being the one chasing. It took me a year to figure that you should save your heart for those who care. It took me a year to figure that if he is not interested, he never will be. It took me a year of tears, disappointment, frustration, expectation, determination, desperation and hurt to figure that I might have poured my heart out to a wrong person; that maybe, just maybe, I have fallen in love with the idea of a guy, not the guy himself. And so, I move on. I have to. I am. Toast to that!

9. It is very painful to admit. But 2011 has opened my eyes that nothing is perfect. Not even love, not even trust. It is a lesson well- learnt that sometimes, we have to admit that we will be defeated if Allah says so. That we will be broken if Allah says so. That we are never perfect. That we do have secrets. That even though the skeletons that we kept are getting bigger, it starts shadowing our own selves, life does not stop. Life never stops for anyone's grief. The best that we can do is to accept, and pray that everything will be alright. InsyaAllah. InsyaAllah!

10. Forgiving is the hardest thing we can do, or at least for me. I am someone with a stone hell of a heart, especially when I was hurt. And I am sorry over the fact that I still could not forgive. I still cannot. I am trying though.

So here's to a yet another year, with hopes and faith and expectations that it will bring us good deals, and good heart. Let's burn bridges, and let's learn well, for lessons well learnt will teach you how life is. Selamat tahun baru!

D's.

If I wear skirts for you, you must be darn special, darling.

2011-12-29T00:03:00.000+08:00

Wandering thoughts. Because I am lonely like that.

I was thinking, and I sort of thought about possibility. You know what ifs. Let’s say, what if one day, you woke up and realised that I am the first thing you have in mind? And your mind wonders about the same thing, for the rest of day. And you sort of feel a bit distracted about that thing in your mind, you couldn’t concentrate on almost anything. Just anything at all. Your day filled with uncertainties. Your mind kept going back and forth about me.

What if, I have crossed your mind in a way that makes your stomach flutters? What if, your mind becomes so succumbed to the thought about me? What if, you constantly think about me as the days passed?

And what if, what if I made your heart skipped a beat?

Will I be happy? Or should I be mad that you finally think about me? Will I be having palpitations all over again? Will I think of you as much? Will I be happy? Or should I be grateful that I have finally moved on?

I haven’t thought about what I can do just yet. But rest reassured, I am not yet ready to let anyone in. Not yet. Not you, especially.

Let me be. Let me be alone and comfortable with my thoughts. I am rather happy this way.

But I am rather hoping (secretly) that one day, someone will make me change my norm. Someone will make my fear to open up worth. Someone is simply worth years of waiting. After all, thoughts bring you great imagination. But a real thing gets you back to life. To reality.

And here’s to someday, and everything in between, with a hope that I can be with someone again, after forgetting how good it was. After all, it is true when they say two is always better than one.

Kadang-kadang, aku lupa bagaimana rasa bahagia. Aku lupa bagaimana rasa bercinta.

D's.

I'm a bit hormonal. That's why.

2011-12-28T23:37:00.001+08:00

#3!

Perfect first date?

Bawak aku pergi Chilli’s. Lepas tu belanja aku makan. Burger dengan buffalo wings macam heaven gila kat situ.

Itu sudah cukup dari sempurna. Kalau nak lebih, kita boleh lepak dekat Shakespeare and Company, atau Kinokuniya atau Border’s atau MPH atau mana-mana kedai buku. Boleh ajak kahwin terus kalau kau ajak aku lepak dekat cafe yang ada buku, yang pasang good music, yang serve divine coffee, yang ada chalk board as decoration. Sumpah, boleh ajak aku kahwin. Tapi semua bergantung dekat mak ayah jugak babe!

Nah, lupakan yang di atas. Cukup kalau ada aku, dan kau. Itu sudah sempurna. Bawa aku ke mana saja sayang.

Bawa aku ke mana saja, sayang. Cukup hanya kau dan aku, dan perasaan kita. Cukup serba serbi. Sempurna.

D's.

"Aku serba tiada."

2011-12-27T21:06:00.001+08:00

Aku ni memang loner kan. Hence this loner's haven.
Ironically, my heart is filled, with emptiness. I love doing this.

P/s; Go now. I am determined to forsake you.

P/p/s; I am still active in Tumblr. It's still retardedkook.tumblr.
D's.

Hidupku penuh puisi. Siapa kau untuk menghakimi?

2011-12-27T20:54:00.000+08:00

Ruang kecil di sudut mentari,
Buat mengingati tempat sendiri.
Sedilit suka dikurnia hati,
Buat menghapus duka terperi.

Ini aku, yang masih juga kelam pandangan ke matahari,
Kerna terlalu lama terperam dek salahnya kiblat kaki.
Ampun Ya Tuhan.

Syukur, bangunku, sujudku, dan lenaku masih berteman udara kurniaan-Mu.
Alhamdulillah!

D's.

A noob I am.

2011-12-26T17:21:00.001+08:00

Hi. This is my umpteenth try of changing and customizing the layout. I hope you like it. I do for sure.

Good day! :)

D's.

Hello there.

2011-12-26T12:07:00.001+08:00

I wake up everyday with a hope not to fret about life. But everyday I fail me. I wouldn't want to die being sad about life. I want to live my life to the fullest. Ironically, I barely living. Where's living life to the fullest in that?

Don't mind me while I'm still figuring about my life. Don't mind me. Just be there for me. Be there. That's the best you could do.

Oh good afternoon. I do not want to apologise for turning this blog into an emotional junk. Into a junk full of my emotional rants. You can either bear with it or leave it. :) Not that anyone complaints though but I figured I'd put disclaimer first before I receive any unnecessary critique. This is what I do best, I write things out. I throw my feelings out. I talk a lot but I never can talk about things that are painful to me. So if I do speak out to you, you know what you're worth. Never leave me, I beg. Never.

So here's to life, and hope that it will be alright, one day. One fine day. InsyaAllah.
D's.

Kerna engkau punah segala.

2011-12-25T23:53:00.000+08:00

Maka #22

Surat layang. Aku mahu tulis sesuatu dari hati. Maka aku tulis tentang aku, yang sebetulnya inilah paling aku mengerti. Aku, emosiku, deritaku, sedihku, bahagiaku, juga lukaku. Perasaan yang paling aku tahu, paling mudah untuk aku interpretasikan. Pernah aku beritahu, aku menulis apa yang aku paling tahu. Maka di sini penuh dengan aduku dan perasaanku.

Ini apa yang mahu aku sampaikan ke dia. Yang paling aku sayang. Dia yang dulu segala. Dia yang dulu kiblatku. Dia yang semua anak gadis impi untuk dijadikan wira. Dia lelaki yang tidak pernah aku kurang kasihku. Dulu. Dulu ini semua.

Kau. Bukan setahun dua kita kenal. Sejak dari udara Tuhan sampai ke hidungku. Sejak aku tahu membaca, kau ada di sisi mengajar apa itu hukum sifir, darab bahagi. Kau bukan siapa-siapa. Kita sedarah, sedaging. Kau segala, yang aku pusatkan paksi kasih sayang ke kamu. Kau wira, yang kami agung-agungkan.

Membesar denganmu tiada erti tanpa cabaran ditolak hidup ke kiri kanan. Membesar denganmu tiada erti tanpa hidup di atas dan di bawah. Membesar denganmu aku belajar hidup senang, susah mahupun mewah. Membesar denganmu, hidup aku lengkap serba serbi. Manis, pahit, wangi, busuk, bahagia, sedih, selesa, mahupun perit. Denganmu, aku belajar, hidup ini banyak rencahnya, banyak ragamnya. Banyak asam garam. Namun kau lebihkan kami, dari segenap segi. Mewah, aku merasa tidak pernah kurang apa yang kau beri. Kamilah yang terpaling bahagia.

Namun hidup tanpa masalah, bukanlah hidup namanya. Nama pun hidup, tidak boleh yang elok saja. Namun aku terima, kami belajar erti hidup. Dari itu kami tahu, senang pasanganya susah. Aku bersyukur, Tuhan tunjukkan aku dua situasi berbeza, supaya nanti aku tahu bezakan yang lumpur mahu pun istana. Kami tidak pernah mahu salahkanmu, kerna akhirnya kami tahu, semua akan jadi elok saja.

Namun bukan bertahun dua, kami diberi rasa bak neraka. Aku sudah cukup dewasa, sudah mampu mengerti apa yang seksa mahupun bahagia. Kau letakkan kami di kakimu. Kau seksa kami dengan rasa hormat yang kami ada padamu. Kau humban kami ke hidup yang penuh celaka. Kau ingat kami bahagia? Aku malu, malu pada pandangan orang ke kami. Malu dengan apa yang dinilai kepada kami. Malu mahu hidup. Malu mahu mengadap masyarakat. Apa sudah jadi? Apa kami masih kau sayangkah? Cuba cerita.

Sakit lebam yang pernah kau hadiahkan. Sakit lagi hatiku melihat sikapmu ke kami. Kami diibarat bukan lagi darah dagingmu. Siapa aku kepadamu? Bukan aku tak rindukan mu, tapi aku serik dengan permainanmu. Aku sakit, emosiku hancur melihat kau celakakan kami di hadapan mataku. Hatiku hancur melihat sikapmu kepada isterimu. Bagaimana dunia mahu terima aku sedangkan aku tidak mahu memaafkanmu?

Aku tahu, ego aku ini. Biar, apa orang kata. Aku tidak boleh memaafkanmu. Tidak boleh lagi setelah apa yang kau buat kami lalui. Hatiku pecah mengenangkan sakit yang kau palitkan. Sungguh. Aku sengaja lupakan jalan ke rumah kerna hatiku degil untuk menatap wajahmu.

Maafkan aku, untuk tidak mampu memaafkanmu.

"Saya tahu dia kurang jelas yang anak gadisnya berantakan untuk dilembutkan, dimanja, dikasih sayang."

Di mana kau Pa? Anak-anakmu rindukan kau. Kau yang pernah sayangkan kami seperti hatimu hanya kami yang pegang. Yes I don't miss you, but I miss the dad you once were.

P/s; A letter to the one that hurts me. As easy as ABC.

D's.

Umurku 17 bila aku tahu apa yang aku mahu.

2011-12-24T22:06:00.002+08:00

Day 17 – How you hope your future will be like.

Aku tidak melihat masa depanku di banglo mewah 3 tingkat.
Aku tidak mahu memiliki motokar semahal jutaan wang.
Aku tidak berkehendakkan emas menyesakkan lengan.
Aku tidak membayang menjadi wanita berkerjaya dengan hidup fasa 6 pagi ke 9 malam.
Aku tidak mahu masa dewasa yang lemas dengan komitmen walau wangku tidak akan kering.
Aku bukan wanita seperti itu.
Aku tidak menilai kepuasan hidup dengan status mahupun jumlah not Ringgit Malaysia.

Kemahuanku mudah.
Aku ingin membuat sesuatu tanpa perlu dipaksa, kerna aku suka.
Aku ingin hirup nafas pagi tanpa perlu dicemari debu-debu stress.
Aku ingin ke dapur, dan bekerja di dapur, kerna itu tempat kesukaanku.
Aku mahu mengadap hidup tanpa perlu memikir banyak mana masalah perlu diselesaikan.
Aku mahu membesarkan anak-anak di hadapan mata bukan dtinggal mereka merata-rata.
Aku tidak mahu terlepas menikmati hidup yang tidak terlalu cepat.

Ini, masa depan yang aku inginkan. Tidak pula membayang mahu hidup mewah tanpa nikmat sebenar.

Lalu semoga hidup ini aku kecapi. Semoga kemahuan ini Allah tunaikan. Semoga pilihan ini mendapat berkat. Amin.

D's.

No I don't quite like her, but I love this.

2011-12-19T15:43:00.000+08:00

Jessie J', "Who You Are".

This song. This song man! "It's okay not to be okay." So much of us and things between us, daddy.
Is this still a reflection of us? We used to be alright, daddy. What happened to us? What happened to you?

Everybody's bruising. But this bruise has taken me in. Little by little it started to suck away my being. What happened to us, daddy? We used to be alright. What happened to blood is thicker than water. What happened to the dads are the heroes? What happened to us, daddy?

Staying strong is worst when you're too fucked up. Seriously.

D's.

Never be replaced.

2011-12-18T18:58:00.000+08:00

Day 7 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

Meet Jagen Hapiz. He is my first official pet. I'm not an animal person but I'd pick fish among them all. It died after 2 months. I chose not to replace him, so I am pet-less until now. But I was thinking, yeah, it is an animal I'd love to keep as a pet!

D's.

Kau bukan kiblatku. Bukan lagi.

2011-12-18T18:38:00.001+08:00

#9 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

I don't know why but yeah this pick is kinda random. Well single life?

How does it feel to be committed at this stage of life, I do not know. But how to be single is of course how I lead life every day. It’s simple, and less troublesome to please the other half. Only, it will be lonely as hell sometimes. Especially when the friends are all out dating.

But man, I have fun, and maybe having someone who will constantly need my time and space, and me needing his is what I do not expect in the time being. I have closed my eyes to any of the potential of it. I am having a good time now, of which I’m sure having commitment will suck that away. I was once labelled as the cold girlfriend because of too much space between us. Heck I hate being the clingy one, only to find out being the insecure one after rumours about some new girl. HAHA. I know. But yeah, if there’s a guy, then there’s a guy. Serious relationship? That’ll depend very much on time.

It’s bittersweet, you know, being single. But it’s fun and less tiring nevertheless. So you could go say that I am single and available. And I won't mind some dating game you know! :)

D's.

Save it.

2011-12-17T03:10:00.000+08:00

"Dalam keadaan bagaimanapun juga hatiku tetap engkau yang mengisi."

-Pramoedya Ananta Toer.

Benar aku sedikit tersentap bila membaca kembali Keluarga Gerilya. Namun kali ini kelihatannya, aku akan benar-benar mencuba keras untuk lupakanmu. Lupa, lepas, lupus segala perasaan yang mengisi hati.

Mungkin aku jatuh cinta pada idea seorang lelaki, bukan seorang lelaki. Sudah tiba masa aku lepaskan idea gila ini. Aku harus berhenti memberi peluang hatiku disakiti lagi, dan lagi, dan lagi.
Aku harus berhenti dari lacurkan perasaan terhadap dia seorang, takut nanti tiada buat yang terkemudian. Hati, harus hati-hati. Jangan dilacurkan segala isi, kelak nanti kau yang rugi. Dia sentiasa datang dan pergi. Ahirnya kau juga yang sendiri.

Tidak senang menyukai seseorang yang tiada perasaan sama. Lebih dari setahun, aku bertahan. Akhirnya tiba ke konklusi aku mahu berhenti. Inilah susahnya bila hobi merajakan emosi, tetapnya masih begini.

Ah, takde salah kalau tak boleh suka siapa-siapa. Baik jaga hati, simpan untuk yang sudi.

Selamat malam. Selamat hujung minggu!

D's.

"Puisi Terakhir"

2011-12-10T03:14:00.001+08:00

Ada orang yang menghabiskan waktunya berziarah ke mekkah,

Aada orang yang menghabiskan waktunya berjudi di wiraza,

Ttapi aku ingin menghabiskan waktu ku disisi mu sayang ku….

Bicara tentang anjing-anjing kita yang nakal dan lucu

Atau tentang bunga-bunga yang manis di lembah mandala wangi

Ada serdadu-serdadu Amerika yang mati kena bom di danang

Ada bayi-bayi yang lapar di Biafra

Tapi aku ingin mati disisi mu manisku

Setelah kita bosan hidup dan terus bertanya-tanya

Tentang tujuan hidup yang tidak satu setan pun tahu

Mari sini sayangngku

Kalian yang pernah mesra Yang pernah baik dan simpati padaku

Tegaklah ke langit luas Atau awan yang menang

Kita tak pernah menanamkan apa-apa

Kita takkan pernah kehilangan apa-apa

Nasib terbaik adalah tidak pernah dilahir

Yang kedua dilahirkan tapi mati muda

Dan yang tersial adalah berumur tua

Berbahagialah mereka yang mati muda

Mahluk kecil kembalilah dari tiada ke tiada

Berbahagialah dalam ketiadaanmu

-Soe Hok Gie.

P/s : "Lebih baik diasingkan daripada menyerah pada kemunafikan." -Soe Hok Gie.

D's.

In confusion, through and through.

2011-12-08T13:22:00.002+08:00

Doing something your heart does not desire is sickening.
Giving commitment to something that take all of your space is painful.
Prioritise things other than your own self is plain misery.

And I am not saying this out of nowhere. I hate to be here. It was as if I don't belong here, at all. I lost my vision and myself, mostly. The questions of "what ifs" has always been the most frequent question I asked, in my head.
But what if I do not follow the flow? I am scared not to follow the flow, like seriously.
I mean, who said being forced to do something you don't like is a good thing? Fucking irony through and through. Like how can you hate in a good way?

P/s: Have I ever crossed your mind, for once? Just for once? Because you do linger in mine. You do.
It is sad when everytime I thought I had the game sewn up, you came along and undid the stitches, like you always do.

Yes, what is this feeling I do not know, but it keeps me awake every night. When you can, let me know for how long are you willing to miss me. If you can.

D's.

Di mana Cinta, di mana Bahagia?

2011-12-07T11:23:00.000+08:00

"If divorce is better, I'd been a divorcee before I have you.

Every wife wants to forgive her husband, no matter what he did."

D's.

One, one and only.

2011-12-07T09:56:00.001+08:00

Adele - One and Only Live Itunes Festival 2011

You've been on my mind, I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taken me so long to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all
You'll never know if you never try
To forget your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

If I've been on your mind, you hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go

D's.

Untuk kali yang entah ke berapa.

2011-12-04T11:32:00.000+08:00

Wajarkah aku dikatakan pencinta setia
jika aku tidak bercinta dengan siapa-siapa?

Wajarkah aku dikatakan pencinta setia
andai ruang hati masih dijajahi orang yang sama?

Pelik perasaan ini, masih kukuh walau sudah dinafi.
Pelik kehendak diri, kepada dia masih berpaksi.
Aneh, dari setiap segi.

Namun benar katanya, tiada ukuran kesetiaan kerna benda subjektif tidak punya piawaian.

Terus, selamat bekasih sayang di Ahad yang sudah agak mendung. Good day indeed!

D's.

First few days.

2011-12-03T10:41:00.000+08:00

Hi! It's surprising to know that I still manage to crawl back here regardless the endless workloads. Dang, with assignments pouring in, it is amazing how we all are still alive, though everyone looks like zombie now! Heh. Anyway, is it December already? My God, how time flies. I almost forgot about the 30-day game! Let's continue.

#25 The short term goals for this month and why.

Since it's still early days of December, I see no reason why I shouldn't do this, no? So here it goes :

1. To stay positive to finish these last weeks of my first semester. It is hard because I am barely hanging on now due to some reasons that could not be explained even by myself.

2. To finish all of the works that required my attention first. I have other commitments beside my lectures and classes. I have to finish them by this month or I'll be a dead meat. Seriously!

3. To drink more plain water!

4. To sleep earlier and wake up earlier. What's wrong with me with insomnia? It's like I've been fated to sleep late for the rest of my life!

Anyway, I hope these goals will be achieved through out the month! And oh, it's too fast for the last month of the year to come though. I hope it stays good. I heard they say, all of us are saving the best for last!

Good day!

D's.

Past midnight.

2011-11-30T00:08:00.000+08:00

No wonder I am heartless. My heart is still with you. And you're all over the place.

D's.

A touche, through and through.

2011-11-28T23:47:00.000+08:00

#6

There is a song I am currently listening to. It matches my mood so well. The melody, the lyrics, and the singer.

Breath away, by Duffy.

D's.

It's November in 2011.

2011-11-28T23:26:00.001+08:00

Hence, the #11.

5 facts about me

1.    I am happy go lucky. I am, most of the time, the one who initiate the conversation first. See, I’m not a Monster. I am nice. But, I am a no-kid zone. Sorry.
2.    I never owned a Barbie doll. I hate dolls. I think they promote vain and stereotype beauty. Fuck, beauty and sexy is your brain, not how much you exposed your skin or how much colours do you put on your eye-lids. But even so though, I still think Isabeli Fontana is effin’ hot. She made me having a girl-crush moment for some time. But in contrast, I am a Liverpool fan, and got real sad when Fowler came back just to leave again. Steven Gerrard will always be my favourite boy. But I never owned any of my favourite football teams’ jersey. Weird much?
3.  I am a self-proclaimed indie. I love hippies and gypsies. I enjoy free life, one without stress. That explains why I love reading and writing and music. I used to be the awkward kid at school reading books nobody has ever heard of, and listening to music only I know how to appreciate. Damn, I shouldn’t have hid my interest back then to hang out with friends. They labelled me as boring. I should have punched them in the face. By the way, I read Hamka when I was still in elementary school. And Dickens’s too. Sorry if I appear like I don’t have a life for you. Anyway, I haven't watched any of P.Ramlee's great legendary movies. I wonder why.
4.    I hate theme parks. Theme parks are scary. Bungee jumping is like committing suicide for me. No, scratch that, riding the roller coaster is like putting me into a deathly trap. Please don’t ask me to go for a date at theme parks. I rather spend my time in museums or go exploring the perfectness of old, historical, classic buildings. Yes!

5. If I were to wish for anything, I wish to stay in the U.K for few years. Just because. And travelling around Europe is probably one of the things I wanted to do before I die. Screw settling down!

Wait, why do I feel like I’ve been down this road before? Maybe I did. Go figure. But I wrote another. So whichever you prefer.

Because to me, you are a work of art, combined to perfection.

2011-11-25T03:06:00.000+08:00

Apparently, anyone else isn't you.

How to reconcile that?

And oh, it's Friday already. TGIF! Goodnight Morrissey. You are a great companion tonight and the nights before.

D's.

Sunday, November Twentieth.

2011-11-20T08:54:00.000+08:00

#20

Hi. It's a Sunday, and I love waking up in the morning, having my favourite coffee while doing things I like!

One thing about me is I love words. So I'm constantly changing my blog name. The current one is Cesura, which comes from a Latin word, Caesura. It simply means :

Noun:

(in Greek and Latin verse) A break between words within a metrical foot.
(in modern verse) A pause near the middle of a line.

Source: Google.
D's.

Be us against the World

2011-11-19T21:20:00.001+08:00

#1

My favourite song. First of, I hate favourite anything question. I told you I have a fickle heart. Choosing anything is so stressful for me! But anyway, I don't have a particular favourite song. But a list of them maybe. But I'm gonna give you some of the songs I never get tired of listening to.

Wonderwall, Oasis.

Yellow, Coldplay.

Between The Minds, Jack Savoretti.
Imagine, John Lennon

Make This Go On Forever, Snow Patrol.

Let It Be, The Beatles.

Don't Look Back In Anger, Oasis.

Love Song, of The Cure's, 311's and Adele's.

Across The Universe, The Beatles.

Mardy Bum, Arctic Monkeys.

Baby I'm Yours, Arctic Monkeys.

Human, The Killers.

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out, The Smiths

Sonnet, The Verve.

Torn, Natalie Imbruglia.

So, those are all I could think of! There'll be more I'm sure. So enjoy your remaining weekend. I love you.

D's.

So, where do we go from here?

2011-11-17T01:06:00.000+08:00

Future, maybe?

D's.

14 first. Just because.

2011-11-12T21:32:00.000+08:00

Aku nak pinjam quote somebody.

"Aku jenis yang terlebih jiwa, ekstrim emosi. Gelakku kuat, raungku lagi hebat. Benciku kukuh, cintaku lebih teguh.

Siallah/ beruntunglah manusia yang punya aku dalam hidupnya."

Itu, aku, dengan tepatnya, perkataan demi perkataan.

Atau senang sahaja, dalam versi aku sendiri, aku hanyalah manusia sentiasa merajakan emosi. Kerna bagiku logik hanya untuk yang klise.

Atau, ini, description di Facebook ku.

At this age, I still couldn't find the proper lady within myself. Maybe I wasn't born to be all graceful. I laugh too loud, swear too much, and act all tough. When despite all that, I still am the one, who puts emotions before logic. So if you could go past this, beyond the walls of doubt, past my skepticism of change, I'd say you earn my trust.

And I go with the name, Delin; the always crazy one. But really, regardless of this box, you'll never have to wonder things about me, if you already know me well enough, no matter how unpredictable I turn out to be. Because I am the kind of whose feet will always be planted firmly on the ground, no matter where my head has brought my heart to. Or lets hope so.

So who am I again? You have the rights to put me into what category you like. I don't mind being judged, but of course only for who I am.

D's.

Siapa kata jadi random tak best?

2011-11-12T21:20:00.000+08:00

Day 1 – Your favourite song
Day 2 – Your favourite movie
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – What makes you different from everyone else?
Day 6 – A song to match your mood.
Day 7 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 8 – A picture of your favourite memory
Day 9 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 10 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 11 – 5 facts about you.
Day 12 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 13 – What kind of person attracts you?
Day 14 – Who are you?
Day 15 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 16 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 17 – How you hope your future will be like.
Day 18 – 5 things that irritate ME about opposite/same sex
Day 19 – A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – Your dream wedding.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – Short term goals for this month and why
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you want to go.
Day 27 – A picture of your favourite band or artist
Day 28 – In this past month, what have you learned?
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

Yes, I'm in the mood to play game. This game. So, stay tuned!

D's.

THIS!

2011-11-12T17:08:00.000+08:00

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
and dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
and the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly

So tell me again not to love you Chris and crews? Fuck this song!

D's.

I was there long ago,

2011-11-12T02:35:00.005+08:00

I guess I'm all emotional tonight after having a night out with a friend whom recently just got out of a relationship. You should be correct in guessing what is our main topic of the conversation. And you bet, this isn't the first time we hang out. The amount of words we exchange on this is beyond what can I write here. I know too well that she's struggling to keep a strong self. I understand how hard she is coping with things. I know, because I was there before. And I have to admit, seeing her recovering, just make me go back in time. Where I was once broken hearted. Yes, I love talking about this, hence writing it down. So bear with me.

She often asked me, "Are you still in love with your ex?" "Have you completely moved on?" Honestly, I don't have the correct answer to these questions. I mean, the most common thing I answer is with a simple, "No worries though, time will heal definitely."

But yeah, I don't think there's a definite and certain answer to that question. You either forget him or you forget yourself. I know it is hard to move on from a broken relationship especially when you're not the one who got away. Indeed it's true when they say being left by the one you love is not a pretty thought. I mean yeah, it's been 4 years since my last relationship. Probably the only relationship I've got, and I have to admit, at first, it took hell for me to actually let him go. Literally hell. I was sick to the core. Ask my close friends. And to be fucking honest, the feeling of being replaced, there's no worse feeling than that. Seriously. Days after he walked away, I could barely focus on my life. Thank God for friends who never fail to give supports and consoling words. I know, I was stupid when I look back. Way stupid than I ever expected myself to be in any situation.

That moment, hatred is what I felt most among frustration, defeated, sadness, anger, betrayed and unstable. I swear I've never been that sad about a guy. God, he was my first love and the way he ended it, it was as if I was never his partner, never his friend and never his lover. He made me feel like what we had for 2 years was nothing out of the real thing. It was as if it was a pretence all along. That, is at least what I felt back then. Really. I cried myself to sleep for years, frankly. There were days I felt like I'm not worth of anyone's love. I was too glued at the door he slammed on my face, I missed some opened doors.

Hell yes, I was once this fragile. This vulnerable. This sad. This defeated. This broken. Once, I made myself look like a fool when I never intended of looking like one. And now? I hated myself for what I've succumbed myself into. I am ashamed of who I was. It was just a broken relationship. It was just a guy. Says the wise me. Or I could say the hypocrite me. Indeed it's a bit shameful on how I was in the healing process before. For some, it might be too shallow. Yeah, maybe I overreacted. Maybe I shouldn't do certain things.

But hey, look at me now. It's been 4 years since it ended. 4 good years. And see, I'm all good insyaAllah. I could not guarantee a certain date when I stopped thinking about him. Nor can I assure you I'm completely moved on. My past sometimes came haunting without me consented to it. Though I could get up in the morning not having him as the first thought for quite some time now, I still get that weird feeling whenever someone mentioned about him. Yes, it still give me anxiety. The exact moment when I know I'm perfectly okay is when we bumped into each other 2 years ago, and I didn't cry. I did not break down. That's when I say to myself, he's from my past and he belongs there, for good. Though sometimes we crave to be stuck in the past, a moment that we purposely try not to forget because it was so good to linger there looking back at how ourselves were. But the past is not a good place to stay. It's just best for lessons. And with me, I learnt a lot, hopefully.

The question of whether I love him or not shouldn't draw any confusion to me. I did love him with all my heart. But when I forget him, I did not throw away his good deeds to me. At least I know, he was a good guy. What happened was he has stopped having feelings for me. And though it is still quite painful to bear, it happened. And I know, he is a happier man today. Happiest maybe. And seeing him happy is a good feeling, maybe because I only wish him good and wonderful things. Maybe.

And after all of these years, I have to be thankful for what has been over between us has created new chances for me, to learn a thing or two. The fact that when our relationship was over, I have been so strong-willed and determined to focus on my life more. And thank God, with that, I was fared better by fate. I fixed my relationship with friends and family. Things I did not focus on before. Yes, you could say I was ignorant. It is true, some relationships ended for good reasons. And mine? Let's say it's worth being in my book.

No. I have long stopped picking up the broken pieces because I don't want to hurt my fingers anymore. Maybe I have the opportunity of knowing you, and yes, I had a good time being with you once. Now, it is time for me to have a good time with my own self. Whatever that happens between us shall be an experience worth being a chapter in my book. I won't forget you though, because of once upon a time and ever after I met u in between. Forgive you, long have I done. Maybe at one point of your life, you have to forgive, rather than be forgiven, because all that matters is your heart, that no longer can contain anger, frustration and revenge. My heart was ill and now it has found the cure. I hope fate fare us better.

So you could say that I am healed today, as opposed to who I once was. And indeed, time heals. Take how much time you need for it will heal from your ill heart. InsyaAllah. And remember, Allah is always there for you. Also, write it out. I have lost count on how many doodle books have I owned. (I'm jiwang like that!)

Take it from me, God won't put you too long in the misery. Because He has promised his servants that there will be a rainbow after the rain. There will be a golden sky after the storm. There will always be the bitter cure for your sickness before you are well again. Trust me you, that things won't always be miserable. Things won't always be bad. Pain is just for temporary. Live and get up again. You'll see your sun again one day.

And with this, I shall pent off. I've much ventured into places I promised not to by having this post.

So yes, love lost is much better than losing your senses and yourselves altogether. You've got plenty of other doors opened. Please do not be too glued on the closed door too long or you'll miss your chances.

...but sometimes it still feel like it was just yesterday.

Good night!

D's.

Run for it's raining darn heavily!

2011-11-11T17:01:00.001+08:00

What's there for the eyes to see is there for the heart to figure.

Keep giving my eyes the pleasure to see and my heart the joy to figure.

For I am stuck now and I wonder when can I go back.

D's.

Sometimes, we found love in hopeless place, no?

2011-11-11T01:51:00.000+08:00

Yeah, maybe the fact that that Rihanna's song is stuck in my head for no reason, I put that line as the title of this post. Pointless I guess.

And it goes the same with this post as well. I am super bored, if not emo no? So I've pictures to do the talking tonight. Shall we?

I'm a big fan of collages. Seriously. I want bedrooms like these. Is it too much to ask? Oh, later. I'll upload my current bedroom's photos. Later I say yeah?

P/s : "Cinta pada seni memang mudah; cinta yang tak perlu bersambut dan rasanya tetap juga indah."

Question is, adakah ini seni? Apa-apa yang tidak membawa apa-apa tafsiran objektif itu seni kan? Iyakan sahajalah. Seni itu katanya tidak perlu mengikut acuan apa-apa atau siapa-siapa. Subjektif. Nah, tepat! Bak kata Cik Su ku pula, "Yang dikatakan seni itu hanya difahami orang yang seni jiwanya." Haha bukan kah itu meletakkan seni dalam acuan juga? Hm, confused!
D's.

Cinta, inilah hasilnya.

2011-11-08T02:43:00.000+08:00

Kau,
berfikir di luar petala.

Kau,
memahami tanpa perlu aku bicara.

Kau,
tepat dalam meneka.

Kau,
tidak pernah mencuba.

Kau,
tidak bermain kata gula.

Kau,
bagai lagu yang indah iramanya.

Kau,
runtuhkan tembok, leburkan sempadan, sesenang rasa.

Kau,
lain bicaranya, lain juga percayanya.

Kau,
bukan yang pertama tapi mungkin yang utama.

Kau,
bagaikan penduduk tetap di minda, menetap rasa.

Kau,
bukan seperti semua,
bukan juga siapa-siapa,
hanya manusia biasa,
yang punya persepsi berbeza.

Iya, kau, bukan seperti semua.

Kerna itu, aku jatuh cinta.
Lalu bilang padaku, bagaimana harusku lupa?

D's.

"Let it be," bak kata The Beatles

2011-10-28T23:47:00.000+08:00

Bila lama-lama merenung template post blog yang baru, mata jadi pedih. Maksudnya apa? Tiada idea. Kosong. Sadis bukan bila mahu menulis tapi kemahuan dimatikan oleh kekosongan minda? Dan aku tidak mahu mengeluh dan berhenti.

Ada. Ada sebenarnya benda yang mahu aku tulis. Bila aku belek kembali post-post yang sejak kebelakagan ni, aku jadi malu. Malu sebab menulis mengikut emosi yang agung. Aku letak emosi terkehadapan dari logik akal. Ah, bukan itu semua benda normal dalam hidup seorang gadis? Tahu, tapi terkadang, semuanya menampakkan aku kurang matang. Sepertinya baru berumur belasan tahun, yang baru putus cinta dengan boyfriend. Walhal tidak. Itu bukan masalah aku. Tapi yang nyata, bila aku sedih, perkataan bagaikan air, mencurah bagai air mata. (Sorry aku terlebih jiwang dengan words malam ni!) Dan kebelakangan ini, masalah ibarat kawan baik yang sentiasa di tepi, mengambil kecil-kecilan rasa senang di hati.

Aku sedih sebenarnya. Aku sedih dan aku tak punya klu untuk menyelesaikan masalah ini. Dan apa yang aku tahu, hanya curahkan pada kertas, seperti yang selalunya. Aku bukan artis, yang tahu lontarkan rasa di kanvas putih, dengan warna pilihan hati. Aku bukan pemusik, yang tahu selitkan melodi buat menghilangkan gundah di hati. Aku juga bukan ahli sufi, yang tahu hadis mana boleh dihafal untuk membuang bengkak hati. Bukan. Aku bukan semua itu.

Aku hanya punyai perkataan, yang aku tahu, buat menulis rangkap marah, sedih, juga resah. Aku lontarkan perasaanku di sini, agar berat yang ada di hati boleh aku ringankan. Ini sahaja cara yang aku tahu. Selain menangis, meraung bersama teman-teman yang faham isi hati. Ini sahaja. Mungkin masalah tidak selesai, tapi sekurangnya, masalah aku nampak mudah.

Kadang-kadang aku rasa, masih sedikit kiraan lututku bertemu sejadah, duduk meminta ke Tuhan Yang Esa. Mungkin kerana itu hidup aku masih tidak punya rasa tenteram yang aku cari. Kerna aku tidak meletakkan Tuhanku di kedudukan paling agung. Aku masih, mahu atau tidak, dipengaruhi Syaitan, yang terkadang menang dalam perlumbaan solat lambat atau awal. Masih kalah dengan godaan duniawi. Persoalannya bila, dan bagaimana? Entahlah, aku tidak mahu meletakkan jawapan terhadap soalan yang aku belum pasti. Nanti dituduh hipokrit. Soal ini, aku kena juga selalu perhati. Dan masalah, hanya ujian, dugaan yang datang dari Tuhan, buat menguji hambaNya. Moga aku tidak kalah dengan yang satu ini. Kuat, Kau jadikanlah aku. Moga tidak pula aku cari mati sendiri.

Benar orang kata, masalah takkan selesai kalau hanya main falfasah. Tapi falsafah membuat masalah kelihatan mudah, bukan?

Entah, moga falsafah yang aku pegang tidak salah. Dan kau tau, aku hanya lontarkan rasa, dan resahku. Aku bukan pandai menulis pun.

And, you know what always got me thinking? Emotions.

So, let it be!

D's.

Parenting, from the view of a non-parent.

2011-10-26T18:46:00.001+08:00

In one of my classes, Criminal Procedure (CPC) class to be exact, my lecturer has mentioned about the fact that the drug usage among the teenagers, or children is alarming. She told us how worrying it is, since the number of teens taking drugs are rising, from day to day. And suddenly it occurred to me, "Whose fault is that?" I mean yeah, without denying the fact that I have lost focus totally in that class, my mind wandered onto this issue, trying to find answers to my question. So, during that one hour, I felt as if I got the answer, or so I thought.

So once again, as the same question is wobbling through my mind, "Whose fault is it that the children of the modern generation seem like they lack motivation and resort to doing drugs instead?"

Maybe for some, finding the cause is not as important as finding the solution. But heck, if we didn't know the reason of our sickness, how do we find the cure? Yeah, indeed. As for me personally, I could not help but to put some weight of blame onto the parents. I mean, it doesn't necessarily be a direct cause from the parents. It's in the folded facts that we often overlooked. Undeniably, those children, should know that drug is a big no-no, as not only it jeopardizes the future, it could also lead to death, consequentially. And knowledge, at this stage, if not from the parents, then from whom? Teachers? Yeah, that if they didn't play truant, they'll have enough information in their pockets. But yes, some parents take things for granted. They didn't even ask how did they children do at school. Are they having difficult time with studies? Or are they even going to school for starters?

No. They chose the easiest way. They assume. They assume that their children are doing well, judging from the way the children behave in front of them. They often perceive that once they send in their children to best school, the children will get enough education, to discover life. Little did they know, some children need to be thought how to live first, before they discover life. That simple formulation should actually be pasted onto their bedroom walls so they remember.

And this shall apply to those children, whose lives are at stake, when they did drugs. If only their home is the best place on Earth, I bet they wouldn't want to wander anywhere else, under the drug influence. I bet when they're high on drugs, they want to be out of the reality that bothers them to death. I mean, if only the parents stay long enough with them, tell them what is wrong and what is right, they wouldn't want to try to venture into things that are forbidden. God forbid.

The importance of education, that should be the first lesson I'll thought my children, when I have children, or rather if I have children. Because really, education matters. And with education, comes responsibility, and senses. With good education, everything falls into place. InsyaAllah. Yes, truthfully, I come from a family with a strong sense of the importance of education. I mean, my mom is a teacher. That should make sense right? Yes. I remembered once, I was always being pinched when I got bad results, and by bad I meant not getting number 1 or 2 in class placing. Yes, my father was a strict man, once. And now, alhamdulillah, I shouldn't complaint at where I am now. But yeah, I wouldn't want to beg to differ if my children want different things than what I expected them to have.

Also, I would agree with parents that treat their children, not as friends, but as children instead. Let them respect you, in a correct way, where you are superior than them. That way, they wouldn't want to cross the lines, for they know, how big a sin it is, when we disrespect our parents. I mean, being cool parents, is cool, but that's all. I don't see how being cool parents could guide the children in a correct way. Really, this is my personal view. You could disagree. And no, I'm not a parent, and I don't do drugs. I'm having thoughts, so I write it out. Thank you.

So yeah, as for me, be good parents or be no parents at all. That simple. And you're not allowed to have babies if you don't love them.

P/s; I don't know what triggers this post more; the fact told by my lecturer or the fact that I dreamed me being pregnant the other day.

And no, I still don't fancy kids. I'm sorry.

D's.

Untuk berapa lama lagi?

2011-10-24T01:47:00.003+08:00

Aku juga punyai perasaan. Belas kasihan.

Benciku sedikit walau hatiku sakit.

Sumpah, aku tak tahu mana nak letak hatiku.

Mana nak letak sayangku.

Aku sayang kau.

Tapi hari-hari kau letakkan aku dalam posisi yang aku tak pernah faham.

Emosiku lebih. Hatiku parah.

Kau sepertinya sudah bunuh bahagiaku.

Di mana hatimu?

Kau letakkan kami di kakimu.

Lebih hina dari apa yang aku jangka.

Di mana perasaanmu?

Di mana falsafah yang kau ajarkan aku dulu?

Di mana kau yang pernah menatang kami bagai esok akan tiada?

Di mana kau yang aku sayang sepenuh hati?

Di mana kau lari?

Di mana kau?

Kembali ke dirimu yang lama,

dan letakan kami di kaki mu.

Kau ingat mudah nak hadapi dunia selepas itu?

Kau ingat mudah nak menelan pandangan orang-orang yang dah berubah?

Fuck it. Aku rasa nak lari. Escapism. But no, I won't attempt anything to stop breathing. Of course I won't. I. Yeah, won't.

Ya Allah, kau kuatkan lah! Amin.

D's.

Somewhere else. Definitely not here.

2011-10-22T02:20:00.003+08:00

It's been quite some time since I properly write in here. It's mainly because of the tight ridiculous timetable! Really, with commitments and studies, your priority changes drastically. Of course in a good way though. Final year is tiring, and messy. Sometimes I just need a punchbag to punch away the stress.

And catching up is pretty tough when you still have some other things to be focused on too. Sigh. Maybe I shouldn't complaint but I just have to. Hm!

Anyway, I won't linger long, I need my beauty sleep too. :)

So good night, let's hope fate fares us better. Amin.

D's.

Diamkan aku.

2011-10-17T06:09:00.002+08:00

Orang kata, bila kita ada masalah, atau jiwa kacau, barulah idea nak melontarkan kata-kata datang melimpah-limpah. Barulah muse tu datang. Is it? Or is it not?

I don't know. Maybe.

Tapi sumpah aku rasa nak lari pergi travel around Europe for few months. Lepas tu balik Malaysia, buat-buat tak kenal orang. Konon. Kalau duit aku berjuta, sumpah aku buat sekarang! Kalau duit aku berjuta lah.

Kau jangan judge aku bila aku suka lari. Kau apa tahu? Penyelesaian paling mudah untuk masalah hanyalah lari. Lari sampai kau dah jumpa tempat sembunyi seterusnya. Lari sampai kau dah mengah, lelah, pancit.

Aku penat hidup macam sial. Aku penat hidup macam ni. Agak-agak kalau aku lari, berapa minit eh untuk aku pancit? Ah shit. I should have thought about that first before I started running. I should have. See, I'm a fool. Always. A. Fool.

Ye, aku menulis pun sebab aku rasa nak lontarkan apa yang aku rasa. Penat kau tahu, asyik simpan sorang-sorang sampai kadang-kadang nak bernafas pun susah macam haram! Biar lah aku salahkan kau. Lagi pula, benar bukan, ini semua kau yang mulakan.

Dan ye. Aku paling banyak idea bila aku rasa hidup aku dah macam tak cukup nafas. Dah dua tiga hari aku rasa benda yang sama.

Aku nak je kata "Pergi mamps!" Tapi sumpah aku tak sampai hati. Aku masih ada rasa hormat. Aku masih waras.

Tapi yang aku tak pasti, adakah kau masih waras, untuk memperjudikan hidup kami? Meletakkan aku by the cliff, I feel like jumping off right away? Fuck it. I hate the fact that I still care.

Dan ini adalah ikhlas. Takde edit. Takde cover. Hanya jiwa dan perasaan aku. Bare, defenseless, honest. And hell yes, as fragile as heck. Kau suka kau buat aku macam ni?! Damn you!

D's.

Yang terakhir kali.

2011-10-11T02:19:00.001+08:00

Dan akhirnya, usai segala. Namun ternyata, rindu masih bersisa.

P/s: We hope you do enjoy the show!

D's.

Just because I rarely stop by.

2011-10-01T22:52:00.002+08:00

Because commitment always leaves you breathless.
And when it consumed most of your time,
it makes you rearrange your priority.

But yes, let's hope all the effort will be paid off.

There you are. Goodbye! Oh anyway, I am still at the faculty, rehearsing for this thing called Mock Trial! I heard tickets are sold off. Let's rock this, friends!

D's.

We think we've got all of it well planned...

2011-09-10T00:52:00.004+08:00

If we were to count days, this will be just few days more before the new semester starts. I don't know how to actually feel over the fact that I will be in my final year of studies. Like it's so soon yet it's so real. Yeah, mixed feelings nonetheless.

Syawal has already in day 8, and I didn't feel much of the excitement this year, contrary to some who probably had the best Raya. It's probably due to the fact that we missed our beloved late grandfather, and grandmothers. You see, we lost 3 of our grandparents. It is sad when they're not around anymore, celebrating Raya with us. Now, memories are what we got, to reminisce those good old days while they're still with us, through good and bad. Al-fatehah.

Anyway, excuse my moment of reminiscing. I know I have talked too much about me not being interested enough in what I am doing, over the years. But I have overlook the fact that I did follow the flow, and the flow has lead me here, today. It took me three years to realise that whatever I start, I should be brave enough to finish it. Comparing to who I used to be, I once thought I should be brave enough to let go of someone else's dream and start living mine. But I probably should put that thought aside for now, as all it takes for me to endure this is just one year. Maybe 365 days sounds too many days to be counted, but I'm sure I will get through those days just fine with friends, and of course family. (Please excuse the lame cliche notion)

I know, this won't be the last time I will talk about this. This also does not mean that I won't be all emo and write angry-burst posts related to this. I am sure I will, especially when assignments and dead lines start saying hi. As for now, I wouldn't say I'll end up being someone I said I didn't want to be, nor will I say I'll be someone I'll always wanted to be. Why burden my head with things I'm never sure of anyway? I'm sick of doing that. It always left me unanswered anyway. I'll be brave, facing days ahead, finishing what I've started, accepting my path. I wouldn't be doing this if there was no reason of doing so, aren't I? I should start giving rooms for reverse psychology to roam inside my head, for they make being grateful a whole lot better than my own logic. I should start having faith for my own self, though I might not be the best nor the nerdiest. At least faith could guarantee content.

This is the thing I will never spill to family, especially my dad. They always know an ambitious Kak Long, but little did they know, this Kak Long of them is ambitious not in what she is doing, but in what she secretly wished she's doing. But will they love me less if I ever told them, I really want to cook for the rest of my life? Will they judge me if every time I am in the kitchen I am more excited about cooking the meal than eating it? I'll let them decide. They'll probably find this not so shocking if I stop being so strict about education and quit being so mad every time their grades went a little lower than an A. (Though I am not nerdy and hardworking and not a DL student myself! Haha)

But anyway, this should be my last year (insyaAllah), though I am not much excited about it, I'll try my best to improve my grades and GPA so I could earn myself a good job and get a good pay, and start collecting money to pursue that dream I always have had. InsyaAllah! I should start being content with my path, and be grateful, for this place that I am now, is not a place to just wander, it is a place thousand wants yet only hundreds could get in. (Without any intention to brag but just to make myself realise of the goodness of this place, though most of the time, it is beyond scary!).

So, this is to new semester, to new hope and to feel good. Let us all continue having dreams and make it true, even if it means we have to go through hell and beyond to achieve it.

And I can't help but to quote;

"Tomorrow can be a day of concrete acts. Tomorrow can be a day which is worth something. That tomorrow should come and that I should be there."

-my favourite writer. No, not the one who wrote "The Alchemist". Go figure! Nah, it's Hemingway, from "For Whom the Bell Tolls". (Yeah, I literally typed it out!)

...But plan all we can, for He will decide what's best. :)

D's.

Because Dave Grohl brings being hot to a new level.

2011-09-09T17:33:00.000+08:00

Best of You(Acoustic)

I know, probably the best of Best of You.

D's.

Of course, I was once young.

2011-09-08T18:06:00.002+08:00

Bagaikan ditarik kembali ke umur tujuh belas,
aku diingatkan kembali ceteknya akal menyangka akan ada yang ditakdirkan menjadi kekasih seumur hidup.

Telah cukup sakit aku harungi hari
bila kusedar hatimu telah tiada padaku.
Bagaikan kau tambah garam ke luka
bila kau akui kau sesalkan apa yang wujud antara kita.
Lalu tergelak aku pada mulanya,
menyangka aku sudah cukup kuat untuk semua ini.
Hari-hari seterusnya, terima kasih.
Ia seperti kiamat hati, yang mendangkalkan akal.
Berhari, berminggu, berbulan menangis tak berlagu.

Itu aku, yang tewas dengan impian "fairy-tale" sendiri.
Ah, malu.
Malu jika adanya pita yang merekod dangkalnya seorang perempuan bila rasa hati yang mahu bahagia dimungkiri seorang jejaka.
Malu, kerna membiarkan seorang lelaki dengan attitude charmer kelas A men-sugar coatedkan aku yang pernah defense-less.

Tapi iya, itu dulu. Aku harap kau faham. Aku harap kau read between the lines. I was there once, in a place where you're torn between your desire and your sense. Between your heart and your head. Trust me my dear, it was sweet for one moment, for one brief second but it will all end in the same manner. The next thing you know, you'll spend days crying over things left unanswered. So I hope you be wise. Use your brain more frequent than your heart. And I am saying this because I love you. Remember when I say I don't do this anymore? I certainly meant it. I lost faith. Love is certainly a place I don't want to fall into at least not for now. But of course, maybe both of us are different.

D's.

I will

2011-09-05T07:07:00.001+08:00

figure this out later.

But until then, take care.

P/s: It is hard to let go of anything, especially the comfort of your favourite couch. Really.

D's.

Holding on no more.

2011-09-03T12:41:00.003+08:00

I thought what we have is worth a million years. Worth fighting over. But it saddens me to know where I stand. Maybe I should be realistic instead of let some happiness slips in. Friendship is a beautiful thing but I guess I've to let that go, because friends don't do this to friends. Friends don't fuck friends, literally, and figuratively. I'm going to let you go, 'cos you're not worthy of my friendship.

Maybe I care too much about pleasing you rather than pleasing myself. That's what's wrong.

And, "When a thing disturbs (the peace of) your heart, give it up."

-Prophet Mohammad

D's.

Could use somebody.

2011-08-25T09:53:00.004+08:00

Yeah, I told you about collages. That's my wardrobe, yeah. "So have a heart and try me!"

D's.

Days of blocked mind, yet to be resolved!

2011-08-25T08:38:00.003+08:00

Hi there, salam. So you puasa tak hari ni?

So, we've come down this road again, where Ramadhan is nearly ended, with just a few more days left and preparation for Eid or Raya has been fully made by the mothers, especially. And for me, I just can't help but be excited as well. Of course, I am a lady, that's what we do. We got excited over things worth being excited for.

But anyway, how's your puasa so far? Did you manage well? I hope so. Cause apart from your monthly aunty visit or being sick to the core, I'm sure we'd manage it pretty well. Because you know, it has sort of turn into a habit now, and it's something, us, the Muslims has gotten used to. Alhamdulillah.

But anyway, I know I haven't been updating, since you know, I'm busy with stufffs, and plus I'm working. So, being accessed to the Internet is not something that comes in handy, especially when you wait tables. Ah, I know. Also, I'm not the user of the smartphones whatsoever that made social network sites just at the tip of your fingers, literally. (Hmm speaking of maybe I should get one, of course when someone will be generous enough to bank in some 2000RM into my bank account! Ish!) Okay, I'll stop the whining just right here. I mean, the whining about getting those phones, when my phone is currently dysfunctional. Really, Sony? 3 years, and breaks down? Hmph!

Ah geez, anyway, I have just recovered from a very terrible fever, the kind that made you stuck to your bed, muscle, bones and body paralyzed. Sorry, I was being exaggerate. It actually means, I can't even lift my head, due to that fever. Though I am always down flu fever, this time it is wayyy too serious for me to handle! Haha But typical me, Mom had to literally dragged me off the bed to go to clinic, as it was the night of the match between Arsenal and Liverpool. But I went anyway, and it cost me the whole 2nd half of the game, burnt. HAHA! But it's okay, the winning paid off! I was diagnosed to have some bacteria infections in my throat, there's some weird rashes or whatever word that might suit it that lingered inside my throat. Or some bacteria infections that creat tonsils. Or whatever. That my dear, hurts like a zzzz! Seriously, I couldn't swallow anything but water, just plain water. I was laying on the bed, having major headache and God, at that time, I cried almost every hour, due to my sickness. Hehe of course, that burnt my puasa too. 3 consecutive days of not fasting and yet, all I ate is bubur nasi, with my medicine. Ohh.

But alhamdulillah now. I'm healthy, and back to normal daily routine. And you know what my Mom told me?

"Those few days hok Along demam tu, Mama ingat you tokleh tahan even sehari doh! Ingat macam nok mati doh."

Andddddd I was like, "Maaa, seriously?!"

HAHA! Anyway, I'm seriously happy now that I'm not sick anymore.

Bye now, I should go before I start contaminating my blog with crappy updates! Salam!

D's.

On a day like this.

2011-08-11T17:09:00.002+08:00

It might a little too late for a Ramadhan wish. But regardless, Salam Ramadhan al-Mubarak.

D's.

Let's just go back to where it starts, even just for one day.

2011-07-22T05:02:00.003+08:00

Hall of fame!

Sikit la nampak ada gaya ponteng kelas lepak di ko-op, kan? *Bajet je tu, bajet!*

Sedap nok, air sirap merah tak sempat pose untuk kamera!

Dataran Q, MAHER.

Hari Terbuka S.M.K. Dato' Ahmad Maher 2011.

And this, makes me happy. Thanks you guys! :)

We sure don't look like school kids anymore, but we still remember how awesome it felt! It kicks ass, and I kinda miss it.

P/s: Tapi dalam banyak-banyak tempat, port dating jugak yang aku ingat! LOL LOL! Kantoi woi pergi sekolah ada niat lain. Sheesh.

And it was a one fine day.

P.p/s: The Malay debate team made it to the Semi Finals of UIA Inter school Debate Competition, once again this year. A job well done guys. And to the English team, we will kick some asses too next year! InsyaAllah, amin.

D's.

I love too, Love. I love too.

2011-07-18T03:47:00.000+08:00

Have you ever encounter any song that make you want to love? I have, quite a number of time. And this is one of the songs. And the video reassures it.

P/s: I have a big heart, it's as big as my butt. Or maybe even bigger. So be assured that I can love, as much. I'm not heartless, I just don't simply love. :)

D's.

It's freezing when I wish for some heat.

2011-07-16T01:14:00.003+08:00

Working is tiring.

Bloody tiring.

D's.

I talk too much only on things I like.

2011-07-11T18:43:00.007+08:00

Dalam dunia ni, ada banyak benda yang saya benci atau tak suka atau mungkin takut. Banyak benda. Selain daripada those stupid creepy clowns, maskot yang pakai uniform binatang-binatang yang kononnya comel, guruh dan kilat yang selalu buat saya lari bertempiaran kalau hujan lebat kilat dan guruh sabung-menyabung, dan patung mengarut Domokun, saya tak suka bercakap tentang perkara-perkara yang saya tak suka.

Bukan sahaja saya tak suka sesetengah topik-topik perbualan, saya juga tak suka bercakap mengenainya. Bukan sekali, banyak kali saya cakap, bila saya ada masalah, dan saya tak pernah cerita, itu betul-betul bermaksud saya tak nak bercakap mengenainya. Saya tahu fact yang saya seorang yang banyak bercakap, about almost anything. Saya tahu itu. Tapi tak bermaksud semua benda saya akan cerita. Saya belum pernah kehabisan topik perbualan sehingga saya perlu bercerita tentang sesuatu yang tidak perlu bawa ke dalam conversation kita.

Benar, saya tanya siapa awak, dan awak kata awak hanya nak tahu dan ambil berat. Dengar sini, bila saya menulis sesuatu secara subtle, atau ambiguous, maksudnya, hanya itu sahaja yang saya mampu untuk sampaikan. Literal atau kenyataannya, biar saya sahaja yang tahu. Kalau saya mahu dan selesa bercerita, saya cerita. Maaf. Awak siapa? Bukan teman-teman baik saya. Bukan juga kita ada pertalian darah sehingga boleh untuk saya percaya, luar dan dalam.

Mungkin benar kata awak, saya ada trust issues. Dan saya memilih siapa untuk saya percaya. MasyaAllah, awak ingat trust tu benda boleh dibeli dekat kedai 5RM? Kalau lah. Kalau lah ada jual, tolong beli untuk saya sepaket, saya nak simpan untuk kegunaan saya nanti bila trust saya dibroken. Mungkin saya mudah berkawan dengan sesiapa sahaja tapi mintak maaf dulu-dulu ya, saya tak mudah percaya dekat siapa-siapa. So memang, memang saya ada trust issues.

Lagipun, tidak semestinya saya ada masalah. Mungkin saya hanya menulis sesuatu yang terlintas di kepala. Awak tidak perlu konon-konon membaca, menafsir dan cuba untuk memahami. Awak tahu, saya tidak meletakkan suatu formula untuk awak digest. Dan awak tidak perlu konon concern. Awak buat saya rimas. Memang, you're right when you said I always push people away. But that's because they don't know where they stand. Kalau awak betul-betul kenal saya, tentu awak tahu saya cukup pantang dengan orang-orang yang nak ambil port dalam hidup peribadi saya. Jangan okay? Jangan. Ada benda yang saya tidak selesa untuk bualkan. So, let's just leave it at that. Thank you. Sedangkan kawan-kawan rapat saya juga saya tidak cerita semua, ini pula awak?

And one more thing, when I say I don't want to talk about it, I really mean it. I am not applying any reserve psychology theory. I really don't want to talk about it. Like I said, when I'm ready to talk, it means when you're of my flesh and bone, of which is not going to happen in a million years.

Sekian, terima kasih. I hope you'll understand. Sebetulnya, bukan saya tak percayakan orang, tapi saya tak percayakan penilaian orang. So it is best to keep quiet and spare the judgement. I could live with that, at least for now, insyaAllah. Allah ada untuk saya. Itu sudah cukup. Keluarga saya juga. Malah sahabat baik juga ada. You don't have to worry, or konon worry.

D's.

Yuna cover to Nirvana's Come As You Are - NYC, Webster Hall.

2011-07-08T04:03:00.000+08:00

So this, has got attentions from all over. Some praises, some curses. But as for me, I like it, I do, especially her version.

D's.

On me, being bored and wishing!

2011-07-08T02:37:00.004+08:00

Oh hello pretty ladies, and handsome, hot boyfriends! (Opps, I mean, handsome gentlemen! I know, what was I thinking right? Durh!) (And sedang perasan orang-orang cantik dan kacak je baca blog aku. Eh takpe, semua orang pun cantik dan kacan kan? Kan? Kan!)

Anyway, without realising that I haven't actually come to my point, I have actually written 3 lines of introduction. My oh my, I really am a chatterbox! Or rather, someone who rarely gets to the point, at the exact time! Sigh.

But still, it's not the point. Anyway, as holidays went on, I still haven't do much activities that would belong to the "List of beneficial activities I've done during my Summer break." or you know, some sort of that. Or maybe my compulsory required Attachment or basically Internship can be considered as one, no? I doubt it!

Yes, after my 6 weeks of konon-konon perasan lawyer, I, successfully;

-wake up at almost 1 p.m everyday, and also quite do well in adjusting to oversea's hours! Wallah, I can go to London and not having problem sleeping. Oh yeah!

-have butt cramps for seating or lazying on the couch almost every hour, and maybe I should stop complaining about my butts not being BIG enough. (Are you effin' kidding me?! Geez!)

-is well-versed in which good t.v shows at which channel, and not to forget, which restaurant serves the best dish! (Please blame 706, 703, 707! Harhar!)

-have curbed World's starvation crisis, by 1%, by me having enough (or rather excessive sometimes) food, stuffed inside myself. (Eh kejap, kalau aku cukup makan, mesti lah ada orang kurang makan kan? Hm, secretly push away the thought of having some peanut butter sandwich at this hour, really!)

-do fingers and hands exercise everyday, you know, by clicking and typing, mostly! Do I need to say more about having jaws exercise? Hey, if you want to have "high" cheeks without high cheekbones, oh do call!

-am very, very well immune of any forms of nags, angry burst or in simple quite popular Malay word, bebel! (Maybe because of you know why! Hehe haa malas lagi, tak padan dengan anak dara! Cet!) You know, I get enough test for ears every day, and amazingly, they're no longer hurting! LOL, ampun mak!

-have been really good at memorising movie scripts, and quotes etc. Yes, excessive amount of watching the same dramas, or movies or t.v shows, over, and over, and over again! (Ah, Astro, very well done! Zzz)

-practiced save more, spent less, having not bought any books so far. Whoa, and imagine how much reading have I done? Yep, exactly!

-making this list.

Yeah, basically I am bored. I am looking for jobs lately, but being frustrated due to many reasons. But anyway, my Aunt, who is actually managing my grandfather's restaurant has offered me to be a waitress. Wah, it's like years back. You know, that post SPM days, where you rather do anything but nothing? Yeah. Anyway, I think I have a job now! Oh yeah oh yeah!

So have a nice day, guys. It's really 3.23 a.m and like I said, I'm still adjusting to local time. LOL pfft.

P/s: I'm sorry, you know if many of my posts are less informative and quite too emotional and personal, I am sorry. Really. Sometimes life isn't always a smooth sailing right? And obviously not a bed of roses for me, but even if it is, I still have to deal with the thorns. Huhu as days go by, I am trying to insert positive and cheerful vibes here you know! And also, at least try to write something worth reading, not just some ramblings. Hahahaha who am I trying to convince! Okay very well then, panjang pulak explanation. Good night, be well!

D's.

In matters like this, I always got defeated.

2011-07-05T04:29:00.003+08:00

You know, it is hard to just let go of anything that used to be there, in your life. And not surprise, it is still hard, even after all of these years. Though you know your feeling has totally changed, and you grow matured, sometimes, there is still a twinge of pain deep down every time you think about what you've gone through. You know how loss hurts. And sometimes, it keeps coming back. No, not your loss, your emptiness. Your loneliness. Maybe I'm bad, because every once in a while, I still look back, and wonder.

But you know, you can't help it. I wonder why it feels like few years ago, tonight. And of course, it still bring tears to my eyes every time I remember those days. Oh probably I should stop. But I don't find the correct way to stop. I never did. I just go with the flow, I guess. And sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Like tonight. My flow is a little off, so I went back. I did. I went back to how good it used to feel, to simply be in love.

Just for the record, (or off if you may like it) you're there, again, at the back of my head, starting to invade all aspects of my being. And you know how I don't like it. Not at all. And I start questioning again, why does this ever happen to me?

Oh I guess I am weak, for not being able to just walk straight on, without having a slight turn back. I wish I am, but I'm not. I still look back, to reminisce of how it used to feel, having someone so dear, I trust so much. Someone who I can be so free I let all my guards down for. Oh this is sickening. This is pure bull crap.

I wonder you know, was it easy for you? Because you seem to be living pretty normal and happy. I envy you sometimes, walking away so easily.

Really, I should go, my sleeping disorder is getting worse. I should get some pills, no? Bye!

D's.

Life is always more than what to wear today.

2011-07-05T01:48:00.003+08:00

It may sound like mere hurting words to you. But to me, they go straight deep, penetrating my heart. So stop it. Because it hurts everytime you say how ungrateful I am, how useless we are. You don’t know what I have to go through in this life you put me through. You don’t know how those words haunted me. They were there, at the back of my head, as constant reminder of how sinful I was towards you. I know we make your life feels like deep shit, and not only us. I know that.

But why don’t you take a thorough look at how our lives were, at how our lives are. Yes, that’s my request. I know it is hard enough for you to face all of this. But didn’t we face the same thing? The same bloody thing. We’re hit by a bus, both, at the same time. We’re in the same bloody ship when it sank, deep in the terrified ocean. We’re both screwed up. Just imagine that. We’re both in the same state. Of course, neither of us requested for this. None of us has hoped for this. Of course, nobody would want a life that if any of us look, any of us would have wanted to be dead than living this life. We were better off buried alive. That’s for sure. So I guess you know how we’d feel when we hurt each other like this. We’re both, in fact all of us are hurt, are frightened of our reality. But that does not give us any right to throw tantrums at each other. We shouldn’t hurt each other just because our lives messed up. But we did anyway. And all of us are mad towards each other. We say hurtful things, we say mean things just because it made us feel better compared to one another.

If I were to be honest, I am sad. And more than sad, I’m devastated. I know we didn’t mean any of this. We never meant to hurt each other but we just do not know how not to disappointed anymore. We don’t know what to do. We’re clueless. We’re looking for reasons and rationales, instead of just accepting things. That’s why we always wonder, because we never wanted any of this. Since it happened, we sure do not have any idea of where to let this pain out to, but towards each other.

But you know, I really am guilty. I wish to say sorry, face-to-face. But I don’t know why, I didn’t. But everything has been an eye opener to me. A lesson worth learning, in a lifetime. I know very well now that experience is indeed the best teacher, of all.

So, come what may, I’ll fight whatever. I survived this, I sure can face anything. Oh Allah, please, you ease this pain that all of us are fighting. InsyaAllah, fate fares us better.

-AdelineZainuddin, July Fifth.

D's.

Hanya kerana kita membesar bersama.

2011-07-04T23:21:00.002+08:00

"Kita sedar perjalanan yang mendewasakan kita tidak akan mudah seperti yang kita impikan, hubungan yang kita jalinkan menjadi semakin rumit. Badan yang bertungkus lumus menampung hidup semakin penat. Hati yang kita harap akan menjadi lembut menjadi semakin keras. Dan kesunyian yang membelenggu diri menjadikan kita semakin teringin untuk mencapai kebahagiaan dan kesempurnaan. Kita tahu kita perlu berani membebaskan diri, berani untuk melupakan kenangan silam dan mencari ketenangan, tetapi kita perlu mengharungi kehidupan ini, selangkah demi selangkah, bergelut dengan diri sendiri, dan berhadapan dengan beban yang datang mencari. Kita hanya boleh bersedia dan menunggu peluang untuk merampas kembali apa yang telah hilang."

-Kami Series.

P/s: I lack ideas these days. I don't know where has my muse landed at. Obviously, not near me, lately. See, I cut and paste. What a waste! (Okay sorry I just figure I want rhymes! Hehe) But I know, nobody bothers to read anyway. Haha it's okay, I move one! Zzz. I'm tired, I should go back to rest. Bye!

D's.

Plain.

2011-07-04T21:17:00.001+08:00

I know. This looks hideous now. Like very hideous. But I really am very lazy to change all the layout and stuffs. Wait till I'm rajin again! Hehe

Bye, again!

D's.

Pardon me, will you?

2011-07-04T20:37:00.001+08:00

Yes, maybe I forget I do have a blog.

Ciao bella!

D's.

Pedih mata!

2011-06-22T22:53:00.002+08:00

"You don't know what I'm going through,

When silence is all I give to you."

Isolation is sometimes the best solution. For now. For now.

D's.

It was out of boredom!

2011-06-11T17:45:00.002+08:00

So here it goes, random facts about me!

1. I love food too much to be skinny. Hehe yes, cooking and eating are my most favourite hobbies! I really want to study culinary back then but was opposed, of course. I think chefs are way too hot to be true, especially pastry chefs. Nigella Lawson is my ultimate favourite apart from many others.

2. I have a fickle heart, so I am easily distracted. Sometimes I think I have a split personality too, like what have been told by them friends. I am always, always indecisive, in almost every matter.

3. I never sneeze less than 3 times at once. That is so weird.

4. I love doing collages. I cut off random pictures and quotes from magazines or books to be pasted unto my “board”. In fact, my closet has been pasted, painted and drew with photos, and words. As you can tell, I do celebrate good words. I love reading, and writing. I have never not own a doodle book. If I were to collect things, they are doodle books! Anyway, my most favourite words are “cliché” and “random”. HAHA!

5. I hate organized and neat things. I can’t do my work if I tidy my desk too neat. I can never find my things if somebody else tidy my desk. I never organized my wardrobe according to colours. I figure it’s boring, and uninteresting. So my family know where not to come near. Hehe. But I hate dusty desks too. Haha by the way, I have to have colorful things on my desk. Be it papers, post-its, book marks or even highlighters. I can’t stay focus if everything is either black or white. For me, colours make the World happier!

6. My siblings have never slept in separate rooms since we’re little. So there is an empty room in our house, which are meant for us to sleep separately, like 3 in room A, 2 in room B. But nope, we never slept separately. All of us sleep in one room, always (if all of us are at home) though not on the same bed. Hehe we’ll take turn on who will sleep on the bed today and who will sleep on the mattress on the floor. Yeps, that’s how we roll. We like it like that. So the empty room? Used as more or less as a store, or as we called it, “Wardrobe room.” The bed in there is used as the place we keep all the clean bed sheets, pillow cases, towels and stuffs like that. Haha it’s really very much packed and congested but we love each other more than our comfort. Or rather we’re comfortable like that. :D

7. I am more of a sneakers girl than of a stilettos. Between high fashion and comfort, obviously I settle with comfort. But I’m not sorry though cause I think personal styles depends very much to the individual. I’d rather be me than a weird-looking imitation of somebody else. And yes, I do eyeliner but not heavy-thick make up. I find it very troublesome to wear make up as I’m not much of a proper lady. Always clumsy, never a ‘lemah lembut‘. And I am lazy some more. Hehe but I do love eyeliners so much. Haha! But of course, I adore beauty things as well. And yeah, I do make exception for events. First time the adult me wearing a skirts, I felt like changing at 10 minutes cause I felt unsecured, but I have adjusted well now and I think casual dresses are quite comfy. So go, be yourself, it’s better to be judged for who you are than who you’re not. Life is too short to have an alter ego. J

8. I am a real skeptic when it comes to changes. (Self-explanatory I guess.)

9. I talked too much and trust people too soon. But when I’m surrounded by those I just met, I’ll just “yes” and “no”. I am shy too! Somehow I think I can be easily comfortable with anybody. That’s my problem. I think it’s okay though as long as the people I get closed with do not betray me or use me. But of course there are things I don’t disclose, Because for me an open secret defeats the purpose of secret at any level, I think. So yep, I spill too much but I simply don’t spill everything. And I am too expressive. If I have problem with someone or simply put if I don’t like someone, I can never make an easy natural face. Either I pull away from the conversation or roll my eyes and have a “whatever” face. Sorry. But of course, I don’t do this to just anyone. Only very few. If they don’t have problem with me, neither do I. On this point I think I’m very childish. But who cares! Haha

10. I am the first grandchild to both my mom and dad’s sides of the family.

11. I’ve always wanted “Aisyah” as my name. Hehe or “Khadijah”. J And I wish I have a one word name. Like Adeline binti Zainuddin without the Nurul or whatsoever. Or better still if my name was Aisyah Zainuddin. LOL what am I thinking?!

12. I find I have a weird habit, that if I’m at home, I don’t bother replying my friends’ texts, and do not pick up their calls, most of the time. I don’t know why. Yes, you can call me a lazy texter. Hehe

P/s: Tolong lah jangan geli! Tapi kalau nak geli, geli je lah. Haha!

D's.

My own laughing stock!

2011-06-10T15:13:00.004+08:00

1. Ada orang melatah nampak ular tedung. Sebab terkejut, dia cekik ular tedung sampai mati.

2. Ada orang konon nak cepat sangat takut terlepas waktu Zuhur, jalan laju-laju menuju surau. Perasan nak lintas jejaka di depan, tapi tiba-tiba slipper sebelah kanan terlicin dan tercabut, tertinggal di belakang. Ouch! Nasib pandai buat muka toya.

3. Ada orang tengah seronok bersorak favourite team dah score goal, sampai terjatuh dulu, dan bangun balik untuk sambung cheer.

4. Ada orang menagis meraung bila dapat tahu ada orang guna gambar dia buat default picture di Facebook. Fake account!

5. Ada orang pakai TOPI sebelum pakai tudung!

6. Ada orang nak pergi Hatyau, bukan Hatyai.

7. Ada orang kena kejar dengan orang gila pada hari kedua masuk kerja.

Dan ada orang, ketawa terbahak-bahak. Yang paling lawak, sumpah nombor 1! :)

D's.

You know what's funny?

2011-06-10T01:03:00.002+08:00

...

Life.
It is a funny cycle. Not sometimes, but most of the time.
Really, it makes you laugh at things you never know
and it makes you weep over things you've known your whole life.

And life, is an irony, at its best.

Now, welcome to my life,
where things are never made easy but hardship is.
And I'm sorry. Really, I am sorry over the fact that it looks sorry.

D's.

Mutual implies give, and take!

2011-05-29T18:28:00.002+08:00

Out of all, you should know better, that Reciprocity applies in any relationship.

Any relationship. It's not rocket science. It's simple logic. But I bet you failed logic, too.

After all, it is true when they say everything has its time, space and oppurtunity. And of course, it's true too, that everything is sweet before it's expiration date.

You made promises you didn't fulfill. Was it easy for you?

Oh yes, chocolate is sweet. And chocolate has an expiration date. Obviously.

So I guess, this is it.

D's.

It's not the HOT guitarist. It's HER.

2011-05-25T19:54:00.000+08:00

Adele - Lovesong (cover of the Cure - live).

You still remember? It was the song you said you'd dedicate to me, always. Always.
Apparently always mean differently to you.

Anyway, I just love her. Awesome, as ALWAYS.

D's.

Because the colour Red makes me happy when it comes to that one particular thing.

2011-05-25T19:37:00.003+08:00

There is something similar that all of us share,
The passion, equally shared.
And I am grateful I must say.

Alhamdulillah!

D's.

Klausa Bosan I

2011-05-24T21:42:00.004+08:00

Pada tahun dua, di Kolej Kediaman Kedua Belas.

Aku rindu nak touch up dinding. Rindu.

D's.

Basikal tua yang tidak punya pemilik.

2011-05-24T00:47:00.004+08:00

Rindu.
Titik.

D's.

1102.

2011-05-24T00:38:00.003+08:00

Terlalu canggung keadaan ini. Sebetulnya terlalu perit untuk aku kenang.

Eh, Mr. Alex*, how are you by the way?

Seperti yang selalunya, bukan nama sebenar*.

D's.

Iklan!

2011-05-24T00:16:00.002+08:00

Hi there. Salam!

How have you been? I guess I’m adjusting to the current state now that I don’t blog much. Not only that, I think I don’t do much of social networking through internet lately because I’ve been busy (Poyo je padahal ada je!). Yep, I’m doing my attachment now as it is a requirement before I enter the so ever busy final year. InsyaAllah! Hurm, I’ve got to say that working life is not as interesting as being a student. Though I haven’t been working in the real legal field, being an attachment student is already sufficient for me to have a peep on how busy working could be. But I have to be grateful for I think I have learn so much during the first week to begin with. I wonder how could lawyers stand the chaotic life. Heh. We were asked to prepare legal documents and they are a pain I really have to admit. And I don’t deny the fact that we’re already tension with the legal documents by the second day. LOL.

The legal firm? As usual, intimidating suits it best. Now I know I have so much to learn and there’ll be more to come in another 5 weeks. So let’s hope we could really do this, friends! J Now I sound like someone who secretly wish to end up practicing though I have much objected to me being a law student. Well leave this at that. I wouldn’t want to bother just yet. Sometimes we have to just follow the flow, as I heard it’s the best when faced a dilemma. My experience so far? I love lunch hour. Hehe but not when you’re chased by a crazy guy till the point that you have to run to save your life. Really, that was terribly scary but now, I laugh every time I remember that particular day. Haihh.

Anyway, I was down with fever for the last few days. Maybe it was because of the fact that I’m adjusting to home. Well I don’t bother much now because this sort of has become a habit to me. You know, I’ll get sick in the early days at home. Like always. My mom said it’s because of the fact that I’m adjusting to the new air. Well I just nod to that.

Oh I think I want to sleep for a moment. Care to join? Okay bye.

P/s : Don’t you hate the current weather? I do. Just for the record.

D's.

Imaginasi tengah malam. Perlu juga.

2011-05-23T22:15:00.002+08:00

Dua makhluk Tuhan berlainan jantina. Pada suatu malam, yang hujannya tidaklah sampai kilat bersabung.

So that was a bad day for us. It was raining, but we were still dancing. Suddenly I felt numb in the head when I heard you whispered, "Be mine because I know you want to."

"Do you say that just to get into my pants or just to make me happy?"

(Monologue: Because either or, you'd still make me happy.)

Jadi aku nak tanya, siapa yang tanya siapa?

P/s : Jangan nak interpret sangat. Saje aku buat cerita.

D's.

Sialan hidup!

2011-05-23T00:01:00.002+08:00

The walls climbing up, again.

Now, don't bother.

D's.

Lalu bagaimana, sayang?

2011-05-22T11:45:00.004+08:00

Sedekad yang lalu,
Kau letakkan kami dalam posisi yang kami tak pernah mengerti.
Sekarang kau ulanginya lagi,
Dan kami sudah cukup dewasa untuk memahami
Bahawa setiap setiap tindakanmu sering melukai kami.
Mungkin kau lupa kau siapa.
Maka kami juga lupa untuk letakkan rasa hormat padamu.
Pernah aku maafkanmu.
Pernah aku menyayangimu.
Namun hari tersebut kau buktikan kami hanya tempatmu lempiaskan amarahmu.
Dan aku telah bersumpah,
Tiada maaf lagi bagimu.
Aku bencikanmu.
Walau sakit lebam yang kau tinggalkan,
Sakit lagi hatiku yang memendam.
Ini bukan versi bahagia yang aku idamkan.
Jika suatu hari aku tiada di sisimu,
Jangan pernah kau salahkan aku.
Kau penyebab aku menjauh.
Maafkan aku tak bisa lagi memaafkanmu.

D's.

I am nowhere near okay. But I will be.

2011-05-19T19:01:00.003+08:00

Things were no longer the same.

And I think I have to just look okay.

P.s : I know somewhere we're going to be okay. We'll reach the stars. As for now, we'll wait, patiently. InsyaAllah.

D's.

Of staying up and instead of studying.

2011-05-06T01:42:00.003+08:00

"You don't know how lovely you are."

Or maybe how much I miss our random conversation.

D's.

I am always looking.

2011-04-29T21:44:00.003+08:00

When life hits you pretty hard, people always tell you to bounce back, and live again. And when things get rough, you know it doesn't get any better if you wail your way out. Nor does it going to be okay if you're grieving or complaining over them. Things are tough. Life is difficult. And I know, there are many other phrases that indicate the same meaning. Bottom line is, it is not easy. It never was. Trust me, I know that phrase too well to understand that nothing could make it better but some support and comforting words.

It is obvious that I am not alone facing the struggles, that there are million others who are in the same shoes. Or maybe all of us. You know they say everyone is fighting a battle. Yes. I am not judging. I am analyzing, I am doing the maths. At some point, you can't help but to question fate. Astaghfirullah, may Allah forgive me. But yes, I do sometimes want a better life for myself. Because I think it's about time the table is turned. But who am I to change this? I am just a human being who is yet to see what is the good reason for this struggle. For everything that happened. InsyaAllah.

Believe me, all of us are always looking for something better. A better car, a better house, a better ambition, a better partner, or simply put; a better life. Well, maybe it's just me. I don't know. I do, I am always looking for something better. Little did I know that maybe I need to be a better person, myself, for me to deserve better.

This is definitely the point of my life where I question everything. Everything. I am 22 years old but I think I have lived more than that. I pray I live longer. Amin. I guess the only option left is to be strong. Well, I have been strong for two decades now, I am sure I could last for more. InsyaAllah!

Somehow, in between the lines, I do want to break down and cry too. Because you know, I am that vulnerable. Sometimes fragile is the state I want to be in. Because I am tired of holding everything back and pretend that the struggle of life does not hurt me that much. It hurts when you know it is hard. Hard for you to admit that somehow your reality is worse than your nightmare. It's hard to admit that your life is the one that haunts you. And it is hard because you know admitting it will reflect yourself, and I dare not to say what the judgment might say to my face. Of course, I have cried so much. Too much tears have I shed. It is painful. Maybe you can take a bite from my plate, chew and swallow if you want to taste the bitterness of my state. Let us see who choke first.

I might be the one who laughs a lot. Who laughs the loudest. And lets just leave it at that. I am happy of course. But maybe life slaps me too much that I am sick of laughing already? But I'm still laughing. Well maybe at my own self. Nevertheless, I wish all of us could live a good life. I know everyone struggles. But, didn't they say a fall from the third floor hurts as much as from the hundredth? Yes, exactly.

And again, I am just 22. I don't want to be boring and wailing too soon. But it seems I already had. I wonder what 30 will say. I do hope I'd see the rainbow, because apparently this rain is too heavy and too long to not be drown in the flood.

By the way, it was my birthday on the 13th of April. Reminds me how much I have grown. I love all the treats and surprise by the friends. Thank you.

What a bumpy ride have I rode. Maybe I need a driving licence soon. Or better, I'd find myself a driver. ;)

I am sorry. This is too personal. But don't ask much, I have difficult time too. And apparently, a very tough one this time. Forgive me.

I wish I find the lights that will shine the dark paths I have been leading all this while. InsyaAllah. May Allah bless. Amin.

D's.

Skeletons in your closet? Chill! I have tons.

2011-04-27T16:55:00.004+08:00

Lalu bilang padaku, adakah tembok ini harus aku runtuhkan?
Yang lain tak mengerti.
Aku diamkan hingga memakan batin sendiri.
Di mana lagi harusku cari sokongan diri jika kau sendiri melontarkan aku, jauh dari mu?
Di mana lagi harusku sembuyikan jerangkung ini jika ruang yang aku punyai hanya sebesar kuman?

Mengerti lah.
Demi aku, demi kami, demi Dia.

Hentikan lah semuanya.
Berubah lah.
Sekurang-kurangnya demi wanita di sampingmu.

D's.

Rainy Sunday.

2011-04-17T18:06:00.003+08:00

Hi there. Salam! :)

I'm sorry for leaving this page quite dusty than ever. I have to admit, I was busy, and still am, with studies, works and the project paper. And I am beyond glad, and grateful that after so being so tensed up with it, I had finally handed it over, last Friday. Alhamdulillah. Now lets wait and see. Hopefully I won't caught in trouble again. InsyaAllah. I hope it costs me a pass at least! Amin.

Anyway, I guess it doesn't stop there. Final exam is in a matter of days. 10 days, to be exact. Oh okay, of course I am not prepared! Sigh~

Alright I guess the purpose of this update is to just inform that I am still alive. HAHA! Okay byeeeeeeeee! Have fun, studying friends! :)

D's.

Ada apa dengannya?

2011-03-15T08:41:00.002+08:00

Dan jangan kerana cinta, kau musnahkan segala.
Kerna cinta hanyalah perasaan kurniaan Tuhan.

D's.

I'm too fun for you to handle. That's why.

2011-03-13T14:11:00.003+08:00

Here's a list of my thoughts, lately :

1. How judgemental certain people are. Yes, that and always will be. For the record, I have babbled a few times on my flaws as a human, especially related to my religion. You know, I am a Muslim, but I know I am not a good one. Improving, insyaAllah. Realising myself as not a good one though, I never judge another human being when it comes to what they believe, or do not believe. Yes, maybe some of you would find this as ignorant but as for me, it's self-reflection. Who knows when our own judgments could eat us alive. God forbid. Anyway, this simply does not mean that what is wrong is right or vice versa. Mind you, what has been written in God's love letters are true enough and what is permitted, is permitted but what is a sin, is a sin. Yes, that. On second thought also, I am not for the idea of you being proud doing what is not permitted by your religion, especially Islam. If you do it, do it but don't go tell the whole World that you've sinned. It implies something else to others.

We may not be wearing something as decent as yours, but at least we don't go staring at you making you feel like you're not wearing anything. I'm sorry but didn't they say it's not nice to talk behind someone's back? Just asking. Right.

2. How ignorant and insensitive people are. You know, it's never a waste of time for you to know what's going on in the World or in your country. Nevertheless, it's the prayer that you could, at least deliver. But it's a plain stupidity if a national media could draw an Ultraman running from the huge wave of tsunami. Sensitivity has nowadays been degraded to its worst. It is not funny at all when you did something like that. Imagine if your family or friends or someone close to you is one of the victims. Painful imagination huh? Yes, my point exactly. How shameful it is to have such a media. They did convey a message that we can play and make jokes with anything, including such a massive natural disaster. I guess art has its limit, Mister. And yes, all of a sudden, it's the porn star's safety that makes half of the World worried. How brilliant is the World now?
Why? No more actions if she's drown in tsunami heh? C'mon, don't tell me you're that shallow. You could make your own videos right? Sex, in any forms will always be an entertainment, I agree, but when it is mentioned, or done, or looked for, far too much, it is not as satisfying as it used to be. Or maybe. Not that I have experienced any. Pardon me.

3. How not bright and shiny people are. You know what can make my lowest day? A smile. Yes that easy. I have noticed a lot that people don't smile anymore. My mom always says we can help brighten up anybody's day by just giving them a smile. Maybe I just forget the fact that not everyone can smile to anyone he or she passes by. Or maybe I forget the fact that everyone is carrying a burden that no one could handle. That's why. Nevertheless, I know we love smiles from strangers. That's the least good deed that we can offer. So thank strangers for therapeutic smiles. :) Smile, it costs you nothing. And by the way, haven't you heard? Smile is the second best thing you can do with your lips. The best? Go figure.

4. How easy to talk without having any action done. I don't want to comment more on this. They say empty vessels make the most noise. I guess I agree to agree. Simply touche.

5. How cool football is lately. Hehe I know it's a tad too late to update about my favourite team's win against the ultimate enemy, Manchester United. Yes, a 3-1, which made my week a wonderful week, ever. Well, in football sense, of course. Anyway, now I know I've not been walking alone for almost a decade. How lovely is that? It's been since 2002, if I could recall. And that 3-1 winning over M.U. felt quite close like winning a cup against A.C. Milan, back in 2005, in Champions League. Or at least, a little close. Hehe :)

6. How tough law school is. And yes, point delivered. No brief explanation should I do on this. You know it, of course.

7. How my weekends no longer smell like coffee and pancakes because they smell more of teh tarik and roti canai. I love it both ways. But yes, don't read this literally. :)

And yes, there you go. My thoughts for the week. I hope you're having a nice afternoon. I hope I am having a nice afternoon.

Oh, I have a dream to catch. Bye, for now. Salam!

D's.

Are you mine?

2011-03-12T16:47:00.003+08:00

I miss Cherpom!!!

D's.

Sometimes it is no wrong to be happy for others, no?

2011-03-09T23:52:00.003+08:00

Hi.

Romanticism comes in many forms. And me? I just love real Love stories. ;)

Bye.

Oh before I forgot, I quote RM ; "Hemingway said to always include about the weather when writing or telling a story."
So, should I end with a 'Oh, how do you prefer the rain?' ? :)

D's.

Andainya ini adalah jalanku untuk selamanya.

2011-03-08T00:12:00.003+08:00

"Ya Allah ya Tuhanku, kau permudahkanlah apa yang sukar buat kami.
Kau kuatkanlah hati-hati kami. Tidak mudah ini semua. Tidak mudah."

Amin.

Tak mudah ini semua. Tak mudah. Bagaikan harapan yang dipegang terlucut, melebur dalam genggaman. Hanya doa yang mampu aku panjatkan. Perasaan sudah tiada. Minat entah ke mana. Putus asa adalah logik terakhir yang hadir di setiap imbauan fikir. Apa beginikah aku seumur hidupku, susah sikit, putus asa? Susah sikit, putus asa?

Hm. Andai saja riwayat putus asa itu tamat, sudah aku mampu teruskan hidupku dengan apa yang aku ada. Andai saja.

Sabar. Sabar. Sabar. Akan ada masanya aku akan temui sinar dalam bidang sukar ini. InsyaAllah. Kan Tuhan dah berjanji, selepas hujan, adanya pelangi? Maka hadapilah hujan seketika. Seketika saja.

Mungkin homesick lagi buat kali yang entah ke berapa kali. Mungkin entri ini akan membuatkan sesiapa sahaja muntah. Ah, pedulikan. Hm.

Oh ho, andai saja mimpi seminggu yang lalu menjadi realiti, maka aku lah manusia paling gembira. Eh, kau tak tahu bersyukur? Iya, bersyukurlah. Kalau dikira dan dihitung, nasib kau sudah lagi baik dari beribu yang lain. Masih mahu complaint? Hm.

Diam...
Assalamualaikum. Oh.

D's.

I'm tad too complicated.

2011-03-06T10:28:00.003+08:00

"And So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late and she's walking on by.
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger"

I guess I have too many, too many jargons that maybe none of you could understand. And now I'm trapped in my own creation of words. You know, sometimes I am just being random, with my words. But I take it that not everyone can take random easily. Sometimes, they don't imply my emotions, but sometimes they do. Well well. I guess I have to be picky from now on, for the wrong choice of words can lead me to deep, deep shit. Or even a misconception. Better be picky! I better. Oh this might be too cliche for certain people's ego. But sorry to bruise your ego. Another cliche would be, like a care.

Someone once told me, those who love writing, can write two things; either they throw their emotions that they know too well, or they write situations that they wish to be in.

So, which one am I? As of now, I prefer not to make a choice. I have too many choices to be done already. I might be both. Might be.

Eh anyway, have I told you that my most favourite words are Cliche, and Random?

YES.

D's.

Anugerah.

2011-03-05T18:03:00.000+08:00

Buta kah manusia jika gagal melihat?
Pekak kah manusia jika gagal mendengar?
Bisu kah manusia jika gagal bercakap?
Dan matikah manusia jika jiwa yang ada hanya kosong kebulur?

Takkan ada yang sempurna.
Takkan ada yang sempurna.
Takkan ada yang sempurna.
Rupa, jiwa, minda, deria.
Semuanya datang dan dikurnia dengan sedikit cela.
Kerna cela kadang kala pelengkap manusia.

Mata yang dianugerah adalah untuk melihat.
Namun bukan semua pandangan adalah rezeki.
Telinga yang dianugerah adalah untuk mendengar.
Namun baik lah kiranya yang fitnah itu kita abaikan.
Mulut yang dianugerah adalah untuk bercakap.
Namun literalnya, perlu juga untuk kita diam.
Takut nanti banyak pula tambahnya dosa.
Dan jiwa, perlu juga untuk diisi.
Bukan hanya sekadar bernafas tanpa ihsan.

Jadi anugerah Tuhan,
Kiranya sudah lengkap di badan.
Maka bersyukurlah, dan jangan hanya tahu merungut.
Kerna ada yang tidak punya deria penglihatan,
Tapi masih mampu melihat dari yang punya mata.
Ada yang tidak mampu mendengar,
Tapi masih mampu bergembira.
Ada yang tidak punya suara,
Tapi masih mampu bersyukur pada yang Maha Kuasa.

Ini semua adalah anugerah.
Tadah tangan, panjatkan Alhamdulillah.

D's.

Where am I again?

2011-02-27T23:22:00.001+08:00

I wish I could run away, in the amidst of much workloads.

Alright, now I need some gateway.

D's.

It's weekend here, already.

2011-02-26T02:17:00.005+08:00

They say a picture tells a thousand words. So can you tell mine now?
Maybe "home" seems too corny to be said too much.
Or "homesick" is too painful to be admitted.
Either or, they are still among the many thousand words. Yes.

So maybe you can stop guessing now.
I miss them, all of them.
Those who always know where do I put my heart at, if it's not on the sleeve.
Those who never fail to love me, regardless of what I am, or was.
Those who are there, in my days of tears, and joy.
The source of my strength.
The reason of my living.

Yes, Along misses you guys. Big time!

"It's beyond me. I cannot carry the weight of a heavy World. So goodnight."

D's.

Hey, pardon me!

2011-02-22T09:08:00.005+08:00

Growing up, I actually FAKING liking these little creatures of God. HAHA! LOL. No, I don't hate kids, but I find myself difficult to actually adore them. And I don't know why. It seems that I always have problems dealing with them, and vice versa. I know kids don't like me too! And when all of the girlfriends talk about kids; their nieces, nephews, and sisters, I have no clue in giving the right appropriate response. Yes! The best I could utter is : "Aww, so cute." "Eh, cuteeeee." Worse is, I used to have this idea of putting them in a vase! Maybe because of the fact that I got dizzy and headache if I see them running around, crying, and laughing. HAHA!

HAHA! Yes! And thank God, they actually know this fact, so yep, they don't bother much. Haha. Sorry lah you guys! And I guess they know well enough why am I so surprisingly quite when we engaged in the coversation of who's nephew or niece is cuter. Hehe bluergh. I feel bad, really. Because I don't have much to say. P.S. Lai, you know this is for you! Hehe

Anyhow, I'm not planning to be a mom nor a wife nor a girlfriend in the nearest time right? So, why bother? HAHA! As of now, I guess I don't hate them but I just don't quite fancy them. HEHE.

Eh wait, why am I writing this again?! Hehs, I am a boredom. I am shallow! Bluergh. I guess preparing for some lecture that will be given by a highly-respected person is so tensed that I ended up here, posting some craps, again. HAHA

Sigh~ Somehow I miss Qistina. Yes, a cousin in the above pictures. And what triggers this post? It's Lai's profile picture, her sister in a trolley. Haha.

Hey hey, I'm not bad or teribble or mean right? LOL. Please forgive me! I know they're not that bad. They're adorable. LOL, just who am I trying to convince la?!

Kthanksbye.

I love my morning coffee, how about you? Good day kiddos!

D's.

Yes, we won.

2011-02-21T03:23:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, the World just stops, and it brings me to a self I never knew existed in me. Sometimes I just wish to be complete, but I am not good enough to be complete. Sometimes the World is too cruel. I just wish to run away. But indeed, I keep coming back to that self. That same self that breath the same air, through my lungs.

I miss being carefree. I miss being less serious. I miss being chill.

But I know perfectly that what I missed, I won't get back. All that needed to be done now, today onwards is stop wishing for the past. For something from the past. For a self from the past. I'm not that person anymore. I changed, big time. And I have to accept this one self, trying to love 'it' slowly. You know, slowly but surely.

Allah, hm. I know this is going nowhere. Nowhere. This is apparently, the point of no return in my livinghood. Just keep holding on to what I have now.

And I'm so sorry for always being a burden to you, a daughter that you need to be constantly worry about. I know, I have always been upsetting. I'm sorry.

But, I love u more than my dreams. So please love me back though I've always been a dissapointment. I am doing this for u, remember? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I love you, Pa. Along loves you. And I miss you guys so much. So much to the point that I cry myself to sleep every night now.

I hope fate fares me better. I really do. If I were to be what you always say I'd be, I want to be good at it. If I were to be destined for greatness, I'll make sure I'll make you smile every day, for being proud of having a daughter like me. If I were to be anything in the World, Pa, I'll be a good daughter first. And if I were to be anything, I really do need your blessings. It's what keeps me going all this while. If I were to be me, I am proud, because me, comes from you.

P.S. Our team won the Timbalan Dekan's Cup. Alhamdulillah. I am a lucky number 4. Because 4 seems too good to be just a memory. Good job Cherpom girls! :D (Will be updated with details next time)

And the Moon won't be as beautiful without some stars accompanying. And I love it like that. Imissyou.

D's.

Well and well!

2011-02-19T04:13:00.003+08:00

Because at the end of the day, I'm just a happy kid who loves her kind of music so much.
So, I'm gonna sleep with it.

Yes, better still, sing me a lullaby.

Please see : I've too many stuffs to be updated too, I just don't know where to start. As for now, I think I'm just going to let them pass me first. Then only I'll check my planner (i.e. my doodle book) and write as much as I can. LOL (poyo gila! Bluergh!) Pfft!

Anyhow, go listen to King of Anything, by Sara Bareilles. I think I could give 4 stars. :)

D's.

I don't like who I am now.

2011-02-18T16:44:00.003+08:00

Kerna akan ada suatu hari, kau akan ingat kebaikan dan keburukan yang telah kau lakukan.
Dan kau perlu tahu, di waktu itu, maaf dan taubat sudah terlalu terlambat.

Maka beringatlah. Beringat.

Hm, letih, penat, tak larat, sakit, emo, moody, migraine, lapar, gastrik, mengantuk.

A : Kenapa you lately macam moody je? Macam tak happy, macam sakit. You okay?
B : A'ah, kenapa eh? You penat sangat ke?
C : HAHA!

D : Jaga la diri you, jaga la kesihatan you. Asyik-asyik sakit je. I jauh.
E : Hehe!

P.S. Sorry. Maybe because of the fact that my tummy keeps on giving me problems and uneasy bloated feeling. So, it affects my eating, making me not having enough energy. Yeah, that's basically it. No worries! :) I'll try to fix my condition! Hee but I guess it happens all the time, at least with me. Tsk, tapi tak kurus-kurus jugak. Bluergh!

Allah, banyaknya kerja! Alright, bye!

Salam!

Oh, Happy Birthday Naeem. I know you're reading! Hehe :)

D's.

14 Februari atau 12 Rabiulawal?

2011-02-15T01:41:00.005+08:00

"Usahlah gelisah apabila dibenci manusia kerana masih banyak yang menyayangimu di dunia. Tapi gelisahlah apabila dibenci Allah, kerana tiada lagi yang akan mengasihimu di akhirat kelak."

Salam Maulidur Rasul!

اللهم صلي وسلم على سيدنا محمد عليه الصلاة والسلام.

Hm, masih banyak yang perlu aku perbetulkan antara hubunganku dengan Yang Maha Besar. Masih banyak perkara wajib yang aku tinggalkan. Masih banyak haram yang aku halalkan. Masih banyak timbangan dosa yang perlu aku imbangkan. Dan masih banyak ruang antara aku dengan Pencipta. Masih banyak.

Point two : Kalau dah haram tu, haram lah. Buat apa nak tetapkan hari nak bercinta? Dah masyuk sangat, bercinta je lah hari-hari.

Point three : "God, take away from me anything that takes me away from you."

D's.